Relationships: Come Closer/Go Away

Every couple has needs for time alone and time together. The strength of each of these needs many vary greatly. Some may be much more inclined to time alone and others to time together. This difference in level of needs can become a bone of contention in relationships where one person craves time alone and the other craves time together. Often people find themselves vacillating between wanting time together and wanting time apart. Frequently the rhythms simply do not match. When one wants to be close the other wants space and visa versa. Learning to dance with the rhythm rather than fight against it creates harmony rather than dissonance.

There are times when it is important to be there for your partner, to validate and support. Times to reach out and connect. There are times when it is vital to make time for what is important to your partner.

There are also times when it is best to step back and allow your partner some space. Times when it is important to hang on to yourself and take control of your emotions, rather than letting your emotions take control of you. Take a deep breath, relax and accept that time alone is what your partner either needs or wants at this minute. Realize that you can give this to them as a gift, that you do not have to feel threatened.

Allowing each other space and time when needed and being there to support when needed will strengthen your relationship. The trick is to recognize what time it is. Is it time to draw close or is it time to create space? Domenico Cieri Estrada said, “To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.”

If you find yourself cranky and out of sorts, you may want to step back and take a deep breath. Identify what is going on for you. Learn to sooth yourself and don’t take frustrations about work or life out on your partner.

If you find that your partner is cranky and out of sort and listening to them and validating their feelings is not working, then it may be time to simply say, “I’m here if you want to talk.” And walk away. But walk away with peace in your heart. Know that it is okay for them to feel however they feel and it is okay for them to need time to themselves. Stop worrying and allow them to sooth themselves.

Becoming skilled at knowing when to come close and when to walk away, means becoming less reactive and more supportive as partners.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage Laffs - Keeping You Happy

Marriage is tough enough without being able to laugh a little, cry a little, heal a little and feel loving time and again. So here are some quotes to help you think a little, laugh a little and reflect on your marriage.

"I Love You,
Not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you,
not only for what you have made of yourself,
but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out."
Roy Croft

"A wise woman will always let her husband have her way." Richard Brinsley Sheridan

"Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other, to let her have it." Lyndon B. Johnson

"Woe to the house where the hen crows and the rooster keeps still." Spanish proverb

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." Rita Rudner

"Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid." Harlan Miller

"When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." Prince Philip

"My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me." Jon Bon Jovi

"If thee marries for money, thee surely will earn it." Ezra Bowen

"A husband always prefers his wife's mother-in-law to his own." Anonymous

"One of the best things about marriage is that it gets young people to bed at a decent hour." M. M. Musselman

"No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying." - unknown quote

"My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce." Joyce Brothers

"Remember, you married her, you didn't hire her!" Dr Phil

"Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside." Frank Pittman

"If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it's because they take better care of it." Cecil Selig

"The grass looks greener . . . but it's Astroturf."

"Friends don't let friends get divorced." Diane Sollee

"A simple enough pleasure, surely, to have breakfast alone with one's husband, but how seldom married people in the midst of life achieve it." Anne Morrow Lindbergh

These I Can Promise
Author Unknown
"I cannot promise you a life of sunshine;
I cannot promise riches, wealth, or gold;
I cannot promise you an easy pathway
That leads away from change or growing old.
But I can promise all my heart's devotion;
A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow;
A love that's ever true and ever growing;
A hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow."

Perhaps this seems a little bit of a strange way of giving some marriage advise or encouragement but these short quotes carry a ton of wisdom in them. Perhaps an unappreciated bit of wisdom here is to not take yourselves to seriously. Enjoy.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage: Instant Renewal

As counselors, we are often asked, “How can we fix my marriage?” Couples want something simple they can do today that will make things better. It is only human when we are in pain, to want to make the pain go away. But, it is counter productive to try and rush relationship renewal.

An instant fix for relationships does not exist. Relationships are built drop-by-drop, kind words, kind deed, attention and so on. It takes time and effort to repair or keep your relationship strong.

When you try to cram attention to make up for years of neglect into a short period of time, you can end up drowning your partner in what now feels like smothering and intrusive attention. When people wake up and realize that their relationship is floundering, some may get panicky at the idea of losing their partner. They start desperately trying to show their partner that they love them and constantly look for reassurance that their partner still loves them.

Take a step back, take a deep breath, and hold on to yourself. If you are the one more interested in preserving your relationship, then you are going to want to start taking some steps in the right direction.  But gushing all over your partner is going to get the opposite of the results that you want.

Today we seem to want an instant fix for everything. There are ads everywhere promising instant results. However when it comes to relationships there are no short cuts. There is no great thing that you can do to make up for the past, but little things done consistently can make all the difference.

Begin by really listening to your partner. Stop and ask yourself each day, what can I do today that will bring a smile to my partner’s face. Make sure that you are having many more positive exchanges to balance the negative exchanges.

Can relationships be repaired? Absolutely! It requires persistence and effort.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Strengthen Your Relationship by Staying Positive

Life has a way of interfering with our best laid plans and good intentions. Nobody gets married planning on forgetting that they love their spouse, nobody intends to let their job or school take precedent over the person they love but it happens. All to frequently, it happens. We see it all the time in counseling. People get so caught up in “living” they forget the important part of living; the person they love.

We have a tendency to take our partners for granted. Especially after we have been married for a time. We think; “She (or he) will always be there.” Boom! Our loved one is not happy, they are talking about leaving and we can’t figure out where this came from.

What you must understand is that if you are not actively taking care of your relationship you are inactively destroying it.  A marriage takes constant work. We always need to be looking for positive things in our relationship. We need to be actively engaged in positive reinforcement of the reasons we got married. As I have mentioned in a different article, it takes five positive interactions for every negative one in order for a marriage to last.

So what are some positive things that we can do in our relationships? Are there any signs of positive relationship interactions, aside from the silly happy glow about those couples that have “mastered” it? Positive relationship signs are words, attitudes, gestures, facial expressions, and body language that communicate our love, concern, care, desire to be with and attraction to each other. Words of love expressed when one leaves to go to work, words and hugs of appreciation for unexpected giving (which in itself is a positive sign), holding hands, lightly touching each other when passing; the list is endless and varied as the couples who use them.

Fondness and admiration are two very powerful positive relationship signs.  Appreciation is another. Touches, kisses, and little gestures of affection all build positivity quickly. Care and concern are two more ways to build the positive energy in your relationship, demonstrating to your partner that you are just as concerned about them as you are about yourself puts you miles ahead. Where you put your time and effort tells what you value most. So do a quick check, where do you spend most of your time and effort?

A fun way to get started on changing your relationship energy from negative or neutral to positive is to sit down and compose an appreciation poem or if you are not particularly poetic just a list of the things you appreciate about your partner. Although home crafted poetry, even if it is a little sappy, gets lots of points. This list can include anything about your partner and your relationship and your life together that you really appreciate. When you have got it all down on paper or in the computer, make it pretty, nice bonded paper, your favorite non-business font, fancy border and so forth. Roll it up like a scroll, tie it with a pretty ribbon, call your spouse, make plans to meet at your favorite romantic spot or restaurant and then give the scroll to them with the appropriate words and gestures.  This list will be a cherished gift if presented properly.

Once you know what you really admire and appreciate about your partner make it a priority to express one thing daily to them. “Today I was thinking how much I appreciate______about you." I couldn't help think how much I admire you for _____________." “Remember the time when_________, Man I thought you were so hot." It really is the little things that mean the most so, yes sweat the small stuff. A hero is not the one who shows up once in a while to do the impressive; a hero is the one who is there all the time doing the little things.

In all things, turn toward your partner not away.  Turning toward is being interested in what they have to say, in their opinions, it means showing care and concern and common kindness to them. It is holding the door open, helping them with their coat, it is saying “that’s great!” when they are excited about something or just “that’s interesting” when they tell you about an incident that happened that day. “Tell me more” is always good for a few positive points.

Remember it is not just saying you love each other, showing it and proving it means so much more. William Shakespeare said: “They do not love who do not show their love.”

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

We are all equal

“The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent and it must be equal.” Frank Pittman

Having recently attended a conference on counseling, I came away with a renewed sense that equality is really the essence of any relationship. This was brought to my attention in a seminar regarding personality. In a group session working with both introverts and extroverts, amazing insights and understandings were available when both parties felt valued and appreciated.

When each group member, whether they have a preference to intro/extroversion, gave attention and respect to the others a great dialogue was opened and the discussion was successful. When we feel that we are treated as an equal, when our views and thoughts are give equal credence, when we are given the respect that we deserve as human beings defensiveness and anxiety disappear.

This ideal of equality applies to all aspects of our lives, in our marriages, our families, our social groups and our working environments. We all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect just because we are alive. We are born as beings beyond worth and there is nothing we can do in life that changes that. Granted we all make mistakes, make foolish choices or do things that we regret later; but these have no impact on our worth.

But nowhere in life does this idea of being beyond worth have more impact than in a marriage relationship. Because of the closeness of life within marriage bonds partners will often pick up on the tiniest nuances and take it personally. We need to be continuously on guard for the little things that our partner may feel as an attack on them personally. Be sure that our actions and thoughts demonstrate our love and acceptance of each other. Treat each other and ourselves as if we are priceless. Total acceptance and strict adherence to treating each other as equals is the secret to happiness and successful marriage.

“It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The Magic That Is Trust

Trust is a paradox; you have trust in order to be trusted. In other words you need to put yourself out there. Make yourself vulnerable; give your partner the opportunity to support you or to destroy you.

Trust comes easy when you are first dating, courting and married. You are always talking to each other, disclosing your ideas, hopes, fears, idiosyncrasies and flaws to each other. The way this works is one of you will be brave and offer a little tidbit to the other and wait and see the outcome. What usually happens is the other feels like, “Okay, if they can tell me that then I can tell them this,” and reveals something back.

As you progress in the relationship you build trust by this process of self-disclosure, each sharing something with the other. This will continue as long as the person receiving does nothing that frightens, harms or scares the other. This by the way is the very same way that you build intimacy, well trusting each other, in and of itself will build intimacy.

Trust is a scared obligation. As the recipient of detailed and intimate information about your partner you have the responsibility to protect and care for that information. Along with the information you now hold their feelings in your power, it is vital to any relationship that you always, and I stress the word always respect, cherish and keep those feelings, especially, and that information to yourself.

Never use anything you have been given in trust as ammunition in fights, never belittle or make fun of it or them. Always treat the hopes, dreams and fears of your loved ones as sacredly as you would your own.

Being trustworthy is the hallmark of maturity. It is one of life’s most rewarding qualities. When your partner trusts you, they will be drawn closer and closer to you. Your level of intimacy in the relationship will escalate and your love will flourish and grow until you feel it in everything you do together.


Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

If this is a decision you have been pondering there are some questions you need to ask yourself:
First, ask yourself, “Why was getting married important to me?” and “Why was our relationship important to me?”

Next, ask yourself, “Who is my partner?” What do you really know about your partner? Not in a judgmental kind of way, but have you really paid attention to his/her opinions, preferences and feelings.

Also consider, “What is my behavior in this relationship?” and “What is it like to live with me?”

This is the “why”, “who” and “what” of marriage. The interesting thing is that you get married because of the “why”, you stay because of the “who” and if you leave your relationship it will be because of the “what.” When the “what” goes wrong, you are going to want to blame your partner and once you start blaming your partner you may start to wonder if there ever was a good “why” for you to be in this relationship. But problems begin with the “what.”

Before deciding to leave, you owe it to yourself to be sure. Making a real effort to mend your relationship is the only way to be sure that it cannot be saved. To correct your relationship problems you have to start with the “what.” Take a good hard look at your behavior in your relationship. What is it that you are doing that is contributing to your problems? What could you be doing that would improve things?

Start working on making your behavior such that it strengthens rather than weakens your relationship. Start doing more of what works and less of what doesn’t. Remember that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and actions. Behaving in a loving way toward your partner will lead to more loving feelings toward them.

Next learn about your partner. Get curious; find out what feels loving to them and then practice showing your love to them in ways that feel loving to them. Too often we try to love our partner by doing something that feels loving to us. We can miss the mark and end up doing a Homer Simpson (giving Marge a bowling ball for her birthday).

Finally, remember why your relationship and your marriage was important to you. Now take this a step further and start to visualize and get a clear picture of what it is that you want your relationship to be like. Putting your focus and attention on creating what you want rather than complaining about what you don’t want will help you to keep strong the “why” of your relationship.

You owe it to yourself to be sure. Leaving is a painful, sometimes necessary process, there are times where leaving is not the answer, growing is. However, if you are in an abusive relationship ignore the previous advise and leave as quickly and safely as you can.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine