Improving Relationships

Unpack Your Baggage For A Great Relationship

2012-01-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

Unpack Your Baggage For A Great Relationship

“Everyone you meet comes with baggage; find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.” Unknown

Dragging old baggage around with you can taint the most promising relationship. Making your partner pay for the wrongs of exes puts a strain on even the best of relationships. Living with someone who is carrying excess baggage can feel a little like walking on egg shells; never knowing what will trigger the next blow out. Since it is impossible for your partner to ever be perfect enough to not trigger your baggage, it is wise to unpack.

Below are tips for unpacking your baggage:

1. Accept and release your anger. Accept that it is healthy to feel anger about mistreatment. Accept that you feel angry for a reason, acknowledge that you have a right to feel how you feel. Then choose to deal constructively with your anger and find a way to release that feeling, rather than allowing it to turn to bitterness. Clients often find it helpful to write a letter expressing their feelings to their exes and then choose to release and let go, by burning or otherwise destroying the letter and celebrating the purging of those feelings from their life.

2. Rid yourself of reminders. Give back, give away, sell or discard the physical reminders of old hurts. If you are hanging onto stuff that brings you pain each time you use or see it, it may be time to clean house. It can be helpful as a symbolic way to say I am choosing to let go of the past, or to free myself from its grasp.

3. Break the pattern. Carrying old baggage can mean that your partner gets painted with the same brush as your ex. If they say or do anything that even reminds you of something from the past, all that build up hurt and anger falls on them like a ton of bricks. Choose to be in the present and to deal with your current relationship and remember that your partner is not your ex or your parents or whoever else hurt you in the past.

4. Forgive yourself. It is important to accept responsibility for the hurtful things that you did or said in past relationships and to learn from mistakes that you made. Remember that you are only responsible for things that you can control. You are not responsible for your exes choices or behavior. Choose to learn from your past and forgive yourself, rather than beating yourself up. Accept that, in whatever situation you found yourself, you did the best you could at the time.

5. Forgive others. Forgiving those who have hurt you frees you from carrying their baggage with you. You do not forgive them because they deserve to be forgiven or to give them peace of mind; you forgive them because you deserve to be free of them and you deserve peace of mind. Forgiveness can be difficult and sometimes takes years, but it really is the most effective way to unpack your baggage.

Get help if needed. If you strongly feel that your past is interfering with your present and stopping you from having the future that you want, it may be wise to seek help from a professional. Sometimes your partner can help you unpack and sometimes you just need a little extra help.

Are You Keeping Secrets?

2012-01-23T11:50:00.000-08:00

Are You Keeping Secrets?

“The most valuable, most precious love in the world is the love someone gives you when you can't love yourself.” Susan Page

Are you keeping secrets? Are your secrets keeping you from being real with each other and having the intimacy you desire? If you are pretending to be someone other than who you really are, your relationship ends up being a hollow facade of what it could be. Hiding from your partner the things that cause you shame or embarrassment does not allow him/her to have the opportunity fully accept you—warts and all. You may end up having niggley doubts that if s/he knew all about you, s/he would not really love you. Because you are hiding parts of yourself, you may spare yourself some momentary pain or embarrassment, but that lack of vulnerability also keeps distance between you.

Openness and honesty is an essential part of lasting, healthy relationships. Everyone has a right to privacy, however if you feel the need to hide your email and cell phone from your partner, chances are you are behaving in ways that you feel are inappropriate. It is not that your partner should read every email or text message that you send, but there should be nothing in those email or text messages that they should not or could not see. When you start hiding things from your partner it is often an indication that you are headed down a dangerous path.

Another thing to remember is that secrets have a way of slipping out, often at the most inconvenient times. It is far better to arrange a quiet time when you are both feeling comfortable to talk to your partner about things from your past that you are not proud of or things from the present that you regret. Even though this conversation may be difficult, s/he would much rather hear it from you than to stumble upon it in some other way. Secret keeping means lying either by omission or commission and deceit always erodes trust! As painful as it may be, it is far better for you to fess-up rather than getting caught in your lies.

You both need privacy, time for yourselves, time with friends, and or separate hobbies. But if during those private times you are thinking or doing things that you feel you should hide from your partner you may be causing more damage to your relationship than you realize. Secret keeping is too often a slippery slope to relationship decay.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Mathematical Relationships

2011-12-15T12:29:00.000-08:00

Mathematical Relationships

“Build. Create. Live well, laugh often, love much. It needn’t be a fight all the time.”
Martin Caidin

This advice is the best advice for loving relationships. In our relationships, when things are going well, we usually just drift along, not doing much different; we are content with the status quo. When the relationship starts to go sideways we just fight about every little thing that bothers us, we still are content with the status quo.

Paul McKenna, author of Change Your Life in Seven Days, says that if you want your life to be different you need to do different, say and think different; otherwise we get the status quo. In order for a relationship to truly change and change for the better we need a plan of attack. An idea of what we want and how to achieve that ideal.

There is a need to build the trust between the two partners, where each feels secure and honored in the relationship. Doing this is very simple, two words: “Don’t lie.” Honesty is always, always the best policy. Lying to save some trouble only creates more trouble. There is no such thing as a little lie; it is just a lie, not the truth, a fib or whatever you want to call it. Bottom line is that it is a lie.

Relationships are place to create the life you want. Ask yourself what it is you want from life, from your relationship? Be creative, shoot for the moon if that is what you want, just trust yourself and your feelings about what it is you are seeking. Dream large, it is the large dreams that create change.

The most important part of this is the next line in the quote, to live well, laugh and love. Life is not about the end result. Even if you know exactly what it is you want out of life you will be happiest working at achieving it, not reaching it. Enjoy your time living your life, laughing and having fun. Loving each other with a powerful thirst for love and life. Creating a life worth living, not just plugging away, building up treasures in heaven; but enjoy that little piece of heaven right now.

The secret to a long lasting happy relationship is mathematical. A ratio: five to one. That is it, very simple, five positive and good things done for every one negative thing that happens between the two of you. So does that mean no fighting, no disagreements, no being upset, of course not. It means that all couple do those things, they fight, they argue, they disagree, often disagreeably, they do get upset. The secret is that for each of those types of engagements there is at least five good things happening within that relationship.

They are anxiously engaged in a good work, that good work is building and enjoying a great relationship. They trust each other, accept each other as they are, they forgive, forget and let things go. Little things stay little things and bigger things are dealt with thus, when there is a blow out it is not relationship shaking. Having fun together is the best way to build up the five good things.

Enjoy each other, each other’s company, do things together, like work together, play together, cry together. Life has enough troubles and trials without out partner becoming one of them. One of the best ways to build up your relationship is to face life as a team. You will say you know what that means and you do that, but do you really.

In a fight does your partner become the problem, the thing, the object of your anger? That is not the sign of a team. What needs to happen is that the focus comes off the other person and switches to the real problem. The scenario looks like this; the two of you are sitting together, side by side and the problem is out in front of you. It is now not “you are the problem” but “we have a problem.” And now “we” can solve it.

Five to One. Remember it. Practice it.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

A Look In The Mirror

2011-12-07T10:17:00.000-08:00

A Look In The Mirror

The foundation of all good relationships if the relationship that you have with yourself. It is time to take stock of your relationship with you. You can begin by noticing your daily habits and whether they are nourishing you or draining you. How do you feel about you? How well do you take care of yourself?

Rate your self-care:

Physically – Do I exercise at least three times a week? Do I eat healthy food and drink enough water? Do I get enough sleep? Is my space organized and clutter free?

Emotionally – Do I have healthy ways to reduce my stress level? Am I living in and enjoying the present? Do I speak positively to myself? Have I worked through my personal and family issues in therapy if necessary?

Intellectually – Am I continuing to learn and grow? Do I find ways to challenge and stretch myself intellectually?

Spiritually – Am I aligned with positive so that I will attract positive into my life? Do I worship as I choose? Do I have something wonderful to look forward to each day? Do I practice gratitude?

Socially – Do I live in a nurturing home environment? Do I have a support network I can depend on?

Appearance – Do I take care of and respect my body? Do I wear clothes that flatter me? Do I smile often?

Integrity – Do I say no when I mean no and yes when I mean yes? Am I firm and stick to my personal standards? Do I only make promises that I am willing to keep?

Time Management – Do I have a relaxing daily routines? Do I find time to do what I most want to do, not just what I should or have to do?

Rating your self care is not intended to make you feel bad. It is intended to make you aware of areas where you may need to improve. Make and keep a promise to yourself to be more diligent in taking care of yourself. Remember that self care is not selfishness. Although sacrifice is an important part of loving relationships, we cannot have great relationships if we sacrifice who we are in the process. Nourish yourself with positive thoughts; practice acceptance and gratitude within yourself. When you have a great relationship with yourself, your relationships with others will improve.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Unconditional Love

2011-11-23T08:39:00.000-08:00

Unconditional Love

"Sometimes love blinds us, other times it let’s us see." Paulo Coelho.

When we first go to look at a house that we are interested in buying we seldom see all the problems with the house. We see how cute it is, mostly that means small, how charming it seems, usually older and dated, or how wonderful the yard is, we’re not really looking at the house as it is, it takes some time and space from the blurred vision of excitement and hope in order for us to see the house in reality. After some time in the house we can easily point out the faults; it is a small older house that needs major upgrades and a lot of work. Yet we still stay in the house and work on it; we need to be able to do the same for our relationships.

In the above quote we are usually blinded for the first blush of the relationship. We see how cute she is when she talks to us in a baby voice and how funny it is that he wanders around on Saturday morning till noon in his underwear; these things are endearing to us, but five years and a child and a lifetime later these turn out to be not so funny or cute. They have become major resentments and for at least half of us, according to the latest statistics, unlike our house don’t stay in the relationship.

At those times when things are great we forget about our partner’s faults, wrinkles, and irritants, they don’t matter. However, when things are not so great, perhaps not even good those same faults, wrinkles and irritants become major stumbling blocks. Is this unconditional love? Well if you still love them and don’t try to force them to change yes, it is unconditional love; but most people don’t react like this, they push for changes, in a sense they are saying you need to change in order for me go love you.

When we can still see the lovely and cute sweetheart through those irritants, wrinkles and faults, when we accept that our lover is not perfect, not in bed, the kitchen or anywhere and we still can find that cutesy lover there; then the second half of the quote is true; “other times it lets us see.” True love is like truth, it just is. There is no bounds, no rules, no exceptions or times when it’s not true; it is always true. Loving our partner when they are not at their best is unconditional love.

There are four types of love. The first is as a baby loves; we all think babies are wonderful and cute. Babies love you and are happy when they get their way, get what they need; yet if they don’t there is usually a lot of crying and screaming and unpleasantness. Second, this is the horse trading kind of love. We each give fifty per cent and we make darn sure that our partner gives their fifty per cent or else we withhold our love. This is sort of you give me this and I’ll do this and that, not very satisfying. It is the third level of love we want you to be at.

This is where no matter what, no matter what our partner is saying, doing or not saying or doing we love them. There is no withholding of love to spite our lover, no withdrawing to punish them for something; there is just love. We love our partners no matter what, without any conditions or strings. This is the first part of the quote again, “sometimes love blinds us.”

If you wish to have a happy and successful relationship then there needs to be complete and total acceptance of each other. TOTAL. No withholding just a little because our feelings are hurt, no not speaking to, no withdrawal, no “I’m not sleeping with until…” all of this indicates conditions and strings and a great deal of immaturity. The third level of love is very attainable, in fact if you look at most successful relationships you will see it in action. This type of love requires us to be grown up, mature and somewhat self-reliant and self-assured. Takes some work and effort but totally worth it.

The fourth type of love is the Gandhi’s of the world. The Dalai Lama’s, the Jesus Christ’s and the Mother Teresa’s, people who love people just because they live. Most people never really get here consistently, we can jump up and do it once in a while, but not for sustained periods. This style of love is an ideal we should shoot for and strive to find within ourselves, yet never think less of ourselves when we fail, when we slide from there or can’t quite get there.

Sharyn Wolf says, “anyone can be a sweetheart on a honeymoon—it is how we behave between honeymoons that is a measure of who we are.” Just a couple of things about this quote; it is true and it tells us how to have a happier marriage. Courtship behavior is the biggest lie in the world. We try to impress each other by always being on our best behavior. We say and do things that are wonderful and beautiful and loving; then we married and we don’t have to try so hard, we have who we want already. So don’t think that he is going to cook you such great and romantic dinners every night, you will probably end cooking just as much or more then him and probably a lot of Mac & Cheese. The reality life takes time and energy and we often steal that from our relationship.

The second thing about the quote is the words “between honeymoons,” this indicates more than one honeymoon. Not with different partners, with each other. If I was counting I would say my wife and I had at least five. No, I didn’t count our vacations. Out first one was sort of a disaster, fights, tears, confusion and not knowing how to do things made it memorable only because it was so forgettable. Number two was the next year, and it was fantastic, we had fun and laughed and did things for each other. Three was our twentieth anniversary where we did it all over again, in real sense we renewed our vows, four and five were special as well, our first trip to the Caribbean and a surprise from our children.

Unconditional love means that you will have those special moments, those dream times and the opportunities for multiple honeymoons with your loved one. Sometimes love is blind, my wife doesn’t care that I’m bald and the grey in her hair just makes her more attractive. And sometimes it let’s us see, I see her tenderly putting our wedding and family pictures up with care and remembering her birthday, our anniversary and Mother’s Day is no chore for me.

“The good we ought to do is love.” Mark Ian Thompson

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Half An Hour A Day Challenge

2011-11-18T12:33:00.000-08:00

Half An Hour A Day Challenge

What would happen if you dedicated half an hour a day to positive interactions with your partner and family? What if for that half hour a day you simply listened to, complimented, encouraged, smiled at, and enjoyed spending time with someone you love? What if for that half an hour you choose to be only with them? You shut off your cell phone, computer, television or any other distractions that might interfere. What if for that half hour you focused your thoughts and energy on them and not you or the million things you need to get done?

I once heard someone say that they enjoyed hearing, “I like you,” from their spouse and that they thought it was more important than hearing, “I love you.” Far too often for couples and in families, relationships are allowed to deteriorate to the point that although they may love each other, they sometimes cannot even stand to be around each other. Loving your family seems somewhat mandatory, where liking your family is optional. But you have the power to increase the liking feelings in your relationships simply by investing some time.

Why are we so quick to judge and criticize those that we love. Why do the communications that most children hear from their parents consist of either don't, stop and shouldn't or do this, hurry up and slow down. Too often it seems that partners and children are never able to measure up. Years ago, reading the book by Barry Neil Kaufman called To Love is To Be Happy With, helped me to recognize the importance of acceptance and my ability to choose to be “happy with” rather than judgmental toward those I loved.

The Golden Rule of Relationships is to have 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction. This is the ratio that tips the scales in favor of long lasting relationships. In this technological generation, most couples and families spend very little one-on-one time together. Often time together is in front of the television or while on computers and cell phones. Most couples and families are starved for caring human contact, including eye contact.

Take the half hour a day challenge, try it as an experiment. I would predict that if you are willing to accept this challenge that miracles may begin to happen in your relationships. This time and concentrated attention will strengthen the bonds, kinship and friendship that allows you to enjoy a lifetime together.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Developing Emotional Skills Improves Relationships

2011-10-31T09:45:00.000-07:00

Developing Emotional Skills Improves Relationships

The more we feel in control, the happier we will be. Not in the sense of being in control of situations or other people, but rather in control of ourself. The following story illustrates this point:

A belligerent Samurai once challenged a Zen master to explain the concept of heaven and hell.
But the monk replied with scorn, "You're nothing but a lout--I can't waste my time with the likes of you!"
His very honor attacked, the Samurai flew into a rage and, pulling his sword from its scabbard, yelled, "I could kill you for your impertinence."
"That," the monk calmly replied, "is hell."
Startled at seeing the truth in what the master pointed out about the fury that had him in its grip, the Samurai calmed down, sheathed his sword, and bowed, thanking the monk for the insight.
"And that," said the monk, "is heaven."

We can develop emotional skills the same way that we develop physical skills, through learning and practice. Self-awareness is the place to begin. Self-awareness allows us to identify areas where improvement is necessary, as well as accepting and appreciating our strengths. We need to be able to acknowledge, accept and name our feelings before we can deal effectively with others.
We need to develop emotional management skills such as self-soothing, anger diffusion, equalibrium, and mood lifting. Self-soothing allows us to console ourselves when we have been hurt. Anger diffusion allows us to accept and process our anger, rather than exploding. Equalibrium means that we maintain emotional balance—that we do not allow others to push or control our emotions. Mood lifting skills allows us to choose to not be overwhelmed by negative emotions.

Self-motivation skills, such as impulse control, positive expectations and self-efficacy also help us to feel more in control in our life. Strengthening our impulse control or improving our self-discipline helps to reduce destructive and increase constructive behavior. Optimism keeps us moving foreword until we succeed. Self-efficacy is our belief or ability to see that we can succeed in a given situation. When we believe that we will succeed, we tend not to sabotage ourselves before we even begin.

Empathy is an important emotional skill. It allows us to recognize our own feelings as well as the feelings of others. Accepting and valuing ourself, helps us to not feel threatened when others are different or disagree with us. When we are able to consider another person's perspective and accept and acknowledge their feelings conflict decreases and we feel better about us.

These emotional skills can help us to regulate our moods and to feel more in control.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Compassion is the Key

2011-10-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

Compassion is the Key

The best relationships come from having a healthy respect for ourself and a healthy respect for others. The interesting thing is that when people truly respect themselves, they find it easier to truly respect others. If I have a healthy respect for myself, I understand that I am a person of worth and that I deserve respect from myself and others. This is a knowing at the core of your being that, in spite of your inadequacies, you are wonderful just as you are. This is not to be confused with arrogance, which generally is just bluster to cover one's inner sense of insecurity.

When relating to others there are four positions that we can come from:
1. We value ourself
2. We do not value ourself
3. We value others
4. We do not value others

These positions combine in four different ways. Complainers are people who do not value themselves and do not value others. Egotists are people who value themselves, but not others. Pleasers are those who value others, but not themselves. And the Compassionate are those who value themselves as well as others.

Complainers tend to undervalue others in an a attempt to boost their poor opinion of themselves. They tend to sour relationships due to their inability to ever feel satisfied. Pleasers tend to overvalue others in order to keep the peace and gain acceptance. In time their relationships suffer and resentment builds when others fail to return their “pleasing” behavior. Egotist are takers and hurt their relationships by being concerned only with what they are getting. Compassionate caring for yourself and others is the best way to build lasting relationships.

Building your compassion for yourself:

Accept that you do not have to be perfect
Accept that you are amazing, unique and wonderful, just as you are
Accept that you can learn from your mistakes
Treat yourself kindly
Stop beating yourself up
Treat yourself with respect
Expect to be treated with respect

Building your compassion for others:

Accept that others do not have to be perfect
Accept that others are entitled to their own opinions, thoughts and feelings
Take the challenge to stop criticizing others
Experiment with random acts of kindness
Refuse to judge or prejudge others
Return kindness for unkindness (If someone is rude to you, you can choose to be nice to them)

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Develop A Sense of Purpose and Shared Goals

2011-08-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

Develop A Sense of Purpose and Shared Goals

All people want to know that they are important, that their life has meaning. Marriage provides an excellent opportunity to choose to co-create a life of meaning and contribution. One of the challenges of marriage is to really get to know and understand each other and to learn to love each other unconditionally. Meeting this challenge require maturity and discipline. Sharing a sense of purpose can help couples remember who they are and what they want for themselves, each other and the relationship.

It may not sound overly romantic, but developing a vision statement for your marriage may give you that sense of purpose that will strengthen your bonds. When you become a team, working together to reach toward your common future, trials, struggles and disagreements are handled easier, because your focus remains on where you are going. Couples without a sense of purpose may get bogged down in the day to day grind and forget to look up toward the life that they want to create.

Having a marriage without a sense of purpose or shared goals is a little like taking a trip without a map and driving in circles hoping to stumble upon the most amazing sights.

Your vision statement will be as unique as you are. There are many possible goals and ideals couples strive toward. Some possible examples include:

Developing shared talents
Raising responsible children
Dedication to God
Dedication to a cause
Caring for the environment
Serving others

If you do not already have a vision statement for your marriage, set aside a couple of hours to get started. Begin by each of you creating a list of your goals, aspirations and dreams, think personally and also in terms of your relationship. Items to consider: 1. If your relationship was a 10/10 what would that look and feel like? 2. What personal and family traditions would you like to continue or develop? 3. Rank your friendships and consider the kinds of friendships you value. 4. What are your financial goals and dreams? 5. How do you define spirituality and what do you want for your spiritual growth? 6. What is your idea of community and how do you want to be involved in your community? 7. What are your career aspirations? 8. What are the ways that you would like to continue learning and growing? 9. Rank your health and fitness and consider if there are changes that you would like to make. 10. What are the things that you do that help you feel energized and alive and how can you add more of these activities to your life? Each of you answer the questions above, then compare and discuss. Find areas of similarity and begin creating a shared vision. A sense of purpose increases optimism—a shared sense of purpose helps to bond you together. Choose a life-affirming purpose, one that allows you to contribute to something bigger than yourself. Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

We'll Have Fun, Fun, Fun, Until . . .

2011-08-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

We'll Have Fun, Fun, Fun, Until . . .

“I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.” Thoreau

I wish to address a particular concern of mine about our society in general and couples in particular. There seems to be a major trend nowadays to just put up with things. Things that are not what we want, what we like, what we consider fun or happy-making, things, that for a lack of better words, just really suck. I see couples come in and neither one is happy, life is not pleasant for them yet, they just seem to accept this without even trying anything different. It seems like being happy is not worth the effort or trouble.

The basics first; I believe we are here on this planet to have fun, to enjoy ourselves as much as possible. Dare I say it? Yes, we are here to be happy. Does this mean there will be no rain ever on our parade, of course not; into each life a little rain must fall. There needs to be opposition in all things or you won’t know whether you are happy or sad, angry or glad, in love or not in love. So be realistic and expect life to have its grim moments, accept them, but also know that life has its great moments and just accept them also.

Next, happiness is not out there, it is not our spouse’s responsibility to make us happy and happiness does not just happen. Happiness is a choice. It is something we must deliberately and consciously decide to be. It is an intrinsic quality; it must come from within us. As a society and as individuals we need to stop looking at material things to make us happy. We must quit looking for others to take care of our happiness.

Many of us say, “I’ll be happy when I’m finished school. Or get a better job, or when my spouses loves me more or better.” Stop it! We must stop giving our power away. If our happiness depends upon things, event or others we are giving away an essential part of ourselves. Number one, how does anybody or anything else know what makes you happy? It is just not possible. Two, how can someone else instill in our hearts an emotion? They can’t, pure and simple.

So how do we choose to be happy? Just that way, choose. Stand up, put your hand on your heart and repeat after me; “I now choose to be happy, now and from this time forth.” Simple to say, hard to do. So take look at yourself, what things make you smile, make you sing, laugh, giggle, sigh with contentment? When do you feel happy and what are you doing, thinking, feeling and saying? Are you starting to get the picture? Only you can answer those types of questions, not your parents, not your very best girlfriend, not your spouse, nobody but you. Your happiness is your responsibility.

Grab a pen and paper and answer those questions. Finish this sentence stem, “Happiness is…” Sentence stems are designed for us to get at some of our beliefs. Write the stem at the top of the paper and just finish the sentence as many times as you can in 5 to 10 minutes; I’d be pleased if you just wrote for 2 minutes. Don’t think; just finish the stem. When you have finished these exercises you will have a list of things that make you feel happy and a look at what you believe about happiness.

Happiness is really quite a simple concept. Yet it is a complex principle or trait to achieve. We second-guess ourselves, we look for the negatives, we fear the future we don’t know. Michael de Montaigne says it this way: “My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.” At least 85% of what we worry about never happens, so just stop worrying and choose happiness.

Acceptance is the key to change. So don’t look for the perfect occasion, stop thinking that when things are different then I can try to be happy. I can almost guarantee that if you are not happy with things now you will not be happy when things are the way you want them. Virginia Woolf said that we should “arrange what pieces come our way.” Take what life gives us. My wife has a sign on our fridge that says, “When life gives you lemons make lemonade.”

Back to the couples that come in to our office basically flat. You are a perfect person, you have infinite worth, nothing, nothing you can do will ever change that. As such a wondrous creature, you deserve to be happy, you are entitled to the best that life has to offer. Do not settle for anything less. As the song says, “Don’t worry, be happy.”

Do this and you will have fun, fun, fun and there will be no until.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The Danger of Having to be Right

2011-07-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

The Danger of Having to be Right

There is a danger of getting stuck in our own position and perception and believing that we are “right.” The danger in having to be right lies in the build up of resentment that is caused by bulldozing your partner's opinions and feelings. When you have to be right, it means that you have to make your partner wrong. It does not matter what kind of face you paint on it, how helpful your tone, how carefully you explain, if you are consistently making your partner wrong it puts a huge strain on your relationship.

Take a look at the shoulds in your life. Consider which of these shoulds are based on principle and which are preferences. The next time you find yourself wagging your finger at your partner, actually or figuratively, stop and ask yourself, “Is this should based on a principle or a preference?” “Where does this should come from?” and “How is fighting for this should affecting my relationship?”

There are few things in this world that are absolutes. When you pick your battles make sure that they are based on principle not preference. Principles are worth defending; preferences are not, they are simply preferences and everyone is entitled to their own. When you accept and allow your partner to have and express their own opinions, without making them wrong, you validate them. Validation helps people to feel less defensive and more open. When you are willing to really listen to and try to understand your partner's perspective, without being judgmental or condescending, it is likely that your partner will then be more willing to listen to your point of view.

When you can only see the world from your perspective, there is no room for growth and no room for closeness. To feel really close to someone means accepting them as they are, not as you judge them to be, but seeing them at their best and making a sincere effort to see things from their perspective. Remember that their being different also does not make you wrong. Differences are what makes life interesting. Be willing to let go of having to be right and enjoy the differences.

“A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.” —Alexander Pope

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationship Construction

2011-07-06T09:23:00.000-07:00

Relationship Construction

‘The trouble with Doomsday is that we may not recognize the Doom when we are shown it or know the Day when it finally arrives.” Orgill & Gribbin

For a lot of couples the above quote is true about their relationship. We see a lot of couples where one of them is saying, “I don’t know why we’re here,” and the other is saying, “I’m done.” Some people have a hard time recognizing that their partner is upset, hurt, frustrated, lost or confused and needing to get some things resolved. They just keep their head down and keep on keeping on without realizing their partner is not satisfied with what is happening in the relationship.

Some of us, dare I say it, mostly men, don’t even recognize it, realize it or accept it when their partner tells them, shows them or threatens them with the truth, as they see it, about the relationship. In other words “not recognize the Doom when we are shown it.” We have plenty of couples coming with one or the other saying, “I’ve been telling you forever that if it didn’t get better I was out.” A lot of these ones don’t “know the Day when it finally arrives.”

So, how to stop all of this from happening at all? Build your relationships like you would build a house. Site preparation, solid foundations, walls and roof. And like any good house you need regular maintenance to keep it top shape and functioning as a warm and inviting home. Perhaps a little landscaping to keep it pretty.

Site preparation: in constructing a house the site is prepared first before any construction begins. The debris and garbage and overfill are removed to allow for the building of a solid foundation. In your relationship it is much the same. As individuals you need to clear away the debris; this would include dealing with all past relationships so you are not bringing these issues into your new relationship – a good, long lasting relationship is made of up only two people, not your past. Get rid of all your garbage, deal with those sticky issues from parents and childhood, check out your beliefs and expectation, these are the overfill in our lives.

Solid, strong foundations: respect, honesty, love and acceptance, these are all things that help solidify your relationship. Others are friendship, understanding and patience and so on and so on. As in a house if the foundations are suspect the house may shift, crack and even in some cases fall over. When the foundation supporting the relationship is strong and deep you can withstand some pretty severe storms. Most of the things that underpin your relationship are the things that, when you come to us, are in trouble. We hear, “I don’t feel respected,” “I love her but I’m not in love with her,” He is always angry or frustrated,” and of course “I’m not even sure if I still like him.”

Walls are the part of the house that protect us from the elements and keep us safe; in a relationship these are called boundaries. Walls keep the world out of our home and boundaries keep the world out of our business. A strong and healthy boundary, well constructed and maintained gives us permission to say “No” and allow us to say “Yes.” Our personal boundaries are our business just as we have rooms in a house that are ours; couple boundaries organize our family and alone time. In a sense they give us a safe place to come home to.

The roof is held up by the walls, and help to keep us dry and warm, in a relationship shared experiences, goals and visions do the same thing. All couples should be continuously constructing those shared memories, both happy and not so happy ones; it is the latter that really binds us together. You should be looking at setting mutual and individual goals and working on developing a vision for your relationship. Goals and visions, like shingles should have a fifty-year plus guarantee.

Landscaping: this is the fun stuff in your relationship. For your house landscaping sets it off, shows it off, makes it uniquely yours. The things you do in your relationship to have fun, travel, working together, relaxing, movies, dancing, dining – in or out, making out and making up and shared hobbies are what help to set your relationship off and show it off. The landscape of your house is a very important part of your home; it defines your individual tastes and your combined likes. The fun part of relationships do exactly the same thing.

Regular maintenance is essential to the strength of your home and its integrity. Regularly focusing on keeping your relationship vibrant, exciting and healthy protects the strength of the bond between the two of you; it protects the integrity of the relationship. This is the commitment you both made to each other; but it is just as important to commit to making your relationship worth committing to. How? First the physical health of both of you is essential so start and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Emotional health is just as important, if not more important.

Here is where you can support the other if there are health issues or the children have health issues. This is where you both feel safe and at home when you are together. How to maintain the emotional health of your relationship requires some time and effort. Deal with the little issues before they become major fights. Talking about fights, learn how and practice fighting fair. Always be respectful and loving.

Choose to love your partner no matter what and in spite of your anger, frustrations and hurt feelings. This is so important. What usually happens is we withdraw our love when we fight thus, giving us more of what we don’t want. Love is a choice so choose to love, no matter what else comes. Be honest with your love and with your lover, don’t mistreat them, lie to them or give them the “silent treatment.” Remember, talking is the only adult way to deal with issues and to process them.

So build your love, build it strong. It protect you and yours.

“You can’t do it alone. It takes two to see one.” Leo Buscaglia

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Be Open To Change

2011-06-20T14:12:00.001-07:00

Be Open To Change

“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin

Too often in relationships there are far too many shoulds and have tos and not enough cooperation and growth. Without change, relationships stagnate and die.

If we are open to asking questions, open to really getting to know our selves and each other, if we are open to learning relationship skills, practicing and experimenting to find what works well for us in our relationship. If we refuse to accept setbacks as failure and look for the lessons in disappointment and frustration.

Then we can grow stronger together, rather than growing apart in our relationships.

Being open to change means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to accept that we may not know all the answers and that there may be more than one way to get what we need and want in our relationship. Being open to change means being accepting and respectful of other peoples truth, especially our partners'.

The most powerful change we can make is to change our mind. When we change our mind we can create lasting change in our relationship. Changing the way we see ourselves, our partner, and our problems can transform our lives.

Some relationship enhancing changes to make:

Change negative thought patterns to positive thought patterns

Change the need to control to the desire to cooperate

Change rejection to acceptance

Change judgement to forgiveness

Change stagnation to growth

Change boredom to awe and fascination

Change withholding love to choosing to be generous

Change anger to curiosity

Change indifference to attentive caring

Change anxiety to calmness

Change selfishness to gratitude

Be open to change. The most important change you will ever make is to change your attitude to one that builds and strengthens your relationships. Embracing positive change rather than demanding security will make your relationship more lasting. Perhaps security is a little like happiness; in that you have to give up trying to make it happen in order to find it.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Be Happy, Don't Worry

2011-06-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

Bobby McFerrin's song, Don't Worry, Be Happy, may make the perfect mantra for lasting relationships. The better you feel about your life and about your self the better your relationships will be. The more you can choose to be happy in spite of difficult circumstances, frustrations, disappointments; the more you can see the glass as half full instead of half empty; the more satisfying your relationships will be.

Troubled relationships frequently end up in a downward spiral because people are problem-oriented rather than solution-oriented. Resentments build, grudges multiply, and score keeping abounds. In struggling relationships, a lot of problems are magnified because they are so busy focusing on the problems and what is wrong with the other person and their relationship, that the the positive aspects of the relationship or the other person are forgotten. They are holding the problems so close to their eyes that reality is distorted and their view of possible solutions is obstructed.

For example, if you have a pebble in your shoe, that tiny irritant can ruin your walk. Complaining about it, blaming others for it, becoming resentful and frustrated does not improve your experience. What can improve your experience is being solution focused by stopping and taking time to shake the pebble out of your shoe before continuing with your walk.

Remember that within your relationship, the other person is not the pebble in your shoe. They are not the problem and probably feel there is a pebble in their shoe as well. Consider that the two of you are on the same team and that you want to be hard on the problem, while being easy on each other.

There are two tools that you can use to help shake the pebbles out of your relationship, gratitude and forgiveness. Gratitude gets your mind off of what is wrong and onto what is right. You focus on what you have learned from an experience and how you have benefitted rather than on how you are suffering. Remember, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

It is not time that heals emotional wounds, love and forgiveness heal emotional wounds. Begin by loving and forgiving yourself and continue by loving and forgiving each other. One person can start to turn the relationship around by changing their focus to being solution-oriented rather than problem-oriented.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Improve Health, Disposition & Relationships

2011-05-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

Improve Your Health, Disposition and Relationships

Interestingly, according to a study of physical activity published in the Archives of Internal Medicine in 1999, regular physical activity is as effective as Zoloft at treating depression. In fact those participant who had participated in the study were less likely to relapse six months later if they had been in the exercise group rather than the medication group. Exercise releases endorphin or feel good chemicals. It also boosts our confidence and releases stress and tension.

Since exercise helps to improve our disposition and improves our health, it is possible that it also helps to improve our relationships. Exercising on your own may improve your relationship by improving how you feel about yourself and increasing your happiness factor. Exercising together as a couple allows you to combine improving your health and improving your relationship. Exercising does not have to cost a lot. You can start with going for walks together. Remember that you are building your relationship as well as exercising, so find ways to enjoy working out together. If you both enjoy a little competition then you may want to include some. If this is not fun for one or both of you then try looking more at personal improvement rather than competition.

As a bonus, exercising together may help you bond and physical activity can make you more easily aroused. Fitness helps you to feel better about your body and better about yourself. Consider that couples who are physically fit find that they enjoy better sex more often than couples who are not physically fit.

If you hate exercising, it may be that you have not found the right fit yet. Find something that works for you. Remember to start gradually, nothing kills our motivation to continue exercising like overdoing it when we begin. Find your maximum heart rate and make sure that you do not exceed 60 percent of your maximum heart rate when you begin exercising.

We all know that exercise is good for us. Here is another reason to get moving, exercise will help you to feel happier and may help improve your relationships.

How to Improve Communication

2011-04-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

How to Improve Communication

Clear communication is vital for any healthy relationship. The most frequent concern that I hear as a marriage counselor is that couples are struggling with communication. One or both of them is not feeling heard or understood. Frustration and resentment builds. Poor communication can be taxing on any relationship.

Below are some tips for keeping your lines of communication open and working well:

· NEVER compare (especially to your mother/father, past girl/boyfriends),

· Describe what you see, hear or feel, DO NOT throw blame at your partner,

· Be specific, avoid “never” and “always,” DO NOT globalize,

· Listen to your partner, DO NOT assume you know or mind read,

· Listen to your partner, DO NOT plan what you are going to say,

· Be open minded, there may be several right ways, DO NOT condemn,

· Listen to understand your partner, DO NOT focus only on what you want to hear,

· Make eye contact and pay attention to your partner, DO NOT zone out,

· Let your partner finish speaking, DO NOT interrupt with "that reminds me of,"

· Allow your partner to row his/her own boat, DO NOT give advice unless asked,

· Say what you mean and mean what you say, DO NOT leave partner open to misunderstandings,

· Be considerate, DO NOT simply disagree to disagree or say I do not like your way because it is not my way,

· Be authentic, say what you mean, DO NOT agree just to keep the peace,

· Stick to the issue, DO NOT dump a huge pile of past issues on your partner,

· Speak for yourself, DO NOT speak for your partner,

· It's Okay to make mistakes, choose happiness and harmony over being "right."

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

It Takes Effort

2011-04-13T11:05:00.000-07:00

It Takes Effort

"Anything in life worth having is worth working for." Andrew Carnegie

When we first enter into our relationship we have these dreams and hopes about how it is going to be. We see the future as bright and sunny with nary a cloud on the horizon. It takes only a few years, if things are going well, to find that perhaps our dream is not happening. There are clouds and more than a few and they are not on the horizon, they are here and guess what it's raining. Now what? Is our relationship over, are we done? Unfortunately in today's disposable world many people think so and end their relationship at the first sign of storm clouds.

Any relationship will have days when there is no sunshine, when the clouds threaten to overpower us. No relationship is easy all the time, every relationship needs some effort, needs some TLC. As the Carnegie quote above teaches us any relationship worth having is worth working for. When talking about our marriage it seems somewhat daunting or awkward to say it needs work. Work usually means doing hard things, things we "have" to do, sometimes things we really don't want to do.

Relationship work can be all of the above but, it can also be fun, exciting and very rewarding. If there are issues affecting the relationship that are individual to one of the partners they need to address and deal with those, this can be that hard work. If there are resentments and problems between the two of you this can be hard to work out as well. For these kinds of things you might consider getting professional help.

Other types of relationship work can be fun and exciting. For example, understanding the differences between men and women is an exploration that can take a life time and be edifying and fun. To keep the connections strong and true in your relationship can be very fun and exciting. Dates are one way of doing just that and they are fun and can lead to "excitement" later. Most of relationship work involves just living in the moment, being present and being aware of what is going on in your and your partner's life.

The author Nora Roberts wrote this piece of wisdom in one of her novels: "Doing nothing sometimes hurts more than doing something." If we go through life and our relationship doing nothing, guess what will happen in that relationship. You're right; nothing will happen and I can tell you that can hurt. Putting our partner's needs and desires on an even plane as our own is one example of working on your relationship. It's rewards are that our partner feels and understands that they are important and equal with us, that we desire their fulfillment as much as we desire our own.

Anything worth having, as in a great relationship with the one we love, is worth working for. Worth caring about, worth looking for the win-win in every situation. It's about respect and dignity, about caring and sharing, about doing the things that we know should be done and finding out things we don't know about and doing them as well. Love is a great gift that we having been given. But we need to understand that it comes with responsibilities. Accept the love, accept the responsibilities.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C, M.P.C.P
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Importance of Friendships

2011-03-14T13:15:00.000-07:00

Whether those friendships are couples friendships or individual friendships, high-quality friendships are good for your health. Having good friends means that you have someone to talk to, someone who helps you enjoy the happy times and survive the tough times. This support decreases your stress and increases your sense of well-being.

What keeps us from having close friendships? The following are some possible obstacles to developing close friendships:
• Laziness or Busyness – It could be either that we keep ourselves so busy that there is no time for building friendships or that we cannot be bothered to put in the effort required to make and keep friends.
• Past hurts – perhaps you have been hurt in the past. You may have had a friend or friends who stabbed you in the back and you may feel reluctant to put yourself in a vulnerable position again.
• Fears – there are several fears that could get in the way. The fear that you are not good enough or that people would not want to be your friend; the fear of rejection; or the fear being vulnerable or of letting someone get close to you.

Popular wisdom suggests that to make a friend you must be a friend. Great friendships include acceptance, honesty, shared enjoyment, and mutual respect. As you set out to make friends or strengthen your friendships, here are some points to consider:
• Friendships take time to grow and develop.
• Be trustworthy. Never break a confidence.
• Healthy boundaries are important. Too much sharing or dependency can end up suffocating the relationship.
• Lighten up and enjoy your sense of humor.
• Listen. You have two ears and one mouth: use them accordingly.
• Talk. Do not ignore problems. Talk them through and fix them. Apologize when you are wrong.
• Be willing to forgive. If you are real with each other, hurt feelings are always a possibility. Do not take things too personally and be willing to cut each other some slack.
• Make the effort to stay in touch with old friends.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C. C.P. C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationship Myths

2011-02-10T13:39:00.000-08:00

Relationship Myths

So oft in theologic wars,
The disputants, I ween,
Rail on in utter ignorance
Of what each other mean,
And prate about an Elephant
Not one of them has seen! - John Godfrey Saxe -

“All is fair in love and war” is a myth that can get us into a lot of trouble. In my years of counseling I have never seen an injury or hurt between individuals in a couple relationship that was deemed fair by either of the two just because they were in love. When I was growing up there used to be a little cartoon couple who were naked and were supposed to represent a loving couple. The caption always started with “Love means…” and ended with some cute little platitude. One of these captions I remember most because even as a teenager it just seemed not quite right was ”Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

I have often wondered as a counselor what else have we been taught by poets, well-minded friends, loving family and caring friends. Some people have been taught to believe that having different opinions as a couple means one of them is wrong, others understand that to have disagreements, fights even, is the sign of a relationship in trouble. On my wedding day my great-grandfather, whom I love and respect dearly, told us that we should never go to bed angry or unhappy with each other.

If we believed and followed that in our early years we never would have gotten any sleep at all. In marriages there is a transition period. That first few months to a year where we each learn about the real life person we are married to. To learn to adapt, compromise and accept the other as they are. One of the things I have learned and try to teach is this: “Courtship behavior is one of the biggest lies there is.”

Really. Just think about what is going on during courting. We are trying to win over, impress, and prove our love for the other. So are we going to have major disputes over things we disagree on, not likely. We will save that until after we are safely married. As an individual courting another we will do almost anything to win them over and we will not do things that we know will cause them to run. But, usually after a short time married we revert to being exactly who we are, hopefully there is not much difference.

So what are some of the things that we have been taught that are true and helpful in a relationship? One of the best is taught in just about every religious belief in the world; “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” That’s right, live your married life by the golden rule. Another is what Christ taught, to love your neighbor as yourself. “The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves.” - Eric Hoffer -

This quote is so true, as a counselor I have come to understand and believe that we have to love and respect ourselves before we can love and respect others, or they can love and respect us. If we do not know how to love ourselves how then can we expect to know how to love another? Life as a couple is so much easier when we know, understand and love ourselves and each other. Love does mean having to say you are sorry. It means realizing and working on our own shortfalls not pointing out our partner’s.

Also, there are a lot of things that are not fair just because we are in love. Saying hurtful things to each other because we feel they are true or that we are just trying to help is not fair. Withholding our affection and love because we have been hurt or wronged is not fair and is the start of a long, hard, painful path to major problems. Just because we are “right” doesn’t mean we can inflict humiliation, disrespect or pain upon our spouse.

Being in a mature and loving relationship does not mean there will never be conflict or disagreements or differences of opinions. In fact, it ensures that there will be. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship and that is not a bad thing. It speaks to how much love, understanding and respect there is in the relationship. Maturity allows both parties to be themselves and to have their own opinions, likes and dislikes. Mutual respect ensures safety for both to say, believe and disagree where they wish with no withholding of love.

Mature relationships foster respect, tolerance and understanding. In a relationship with the are the above mentioned attitudes, going to bed with unfinished business is not only acceptable but often necessary. Work schedules, business, fatigue and children require us to be at the top of our game and we need our sleep. So, let’s make our relationship a place where we can say “Time out, I need to sleep. Let’s pick this up tomorrow.” Then we go to bed, in love and in comfort, get our rest and finish off the dispute or discussion at a better time.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Playing For Your Relationship

2011-01-15T13:22:00.000-08:00

Playing For Your Relationship

We tend to think of playing as something that children do. Many adults think that they are past needing to play. But play is fun and necessary for all ages. We don’t get old because of the number of years that we have lived, we get old because we have forgotten how or refuse to play.

Ask yourself: what have I done just for fun lately? If the answer is either I don’t know or nothing, then it is time to reconnect with your inner child and awaken you sense of wonder and curiosity. Stuart Brown of the Institute of Play said, “What do most Nobel Laureates, innovative entrepreneurs, artists and performers, well-adjusted children, happy couples and families, . . have in common? They play enthusiastically throughout their lives."

Two things have happened recently in our house that got me thinking about play. First we got a new kitten and she loves to play. The whole family is smiling and laughing more, enjoying the antics of the quickly growing fur ball. The second is that we got some kinect games. We are up off the couch, laughing and playing. Playful activity brings couples and families together much more than vegging on the couch ever will.

Photo by doriana_s

Playing with your partner encourages connection and a feeling of intimacy. Creative play stimulates your mind and allows you to temporarily set aside your day-to-day worries and concerns. Enjoying one another and laughing together energizes you and your relationship.

Lighten up and find something fun to do. Far from being a waste of time, play could be just the thing you need to strengthen your relationship. Remember to be patient with yourself if you haven’t played in a long time. It may feel awkward at first, but if you relax and let yourself simply enjoy the time spent playing you will soon realize what a vital part of your life it can be.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Plan To Improve Your Relationship

2011-01-03T18:37:00.000-08:00

Plan To Improve Your Relationship

A little bit of thought and planning can go a long way toward improving your relationship. Many relationships suffer from what boils down to a shortage of quality time together. Planning your day, week, and year can help you improve your relationship.

This is a time of year when many people choose to set some goals for the year to come. When you are choosing goals, remember to include your relationship as a priority in your plans. Plan for at least two weekend getaways for the two of you. Lack of funds does not mean that you have to opt out. Get creative and find ways to make a getaway at home.

If you have children, find someone who can care for them away from home; you could ask grandparents or trade weekends with family or friends. Whether your getaway is at home or far away, choosing to turn off cell phones, computers and other distraction will make it much more likely that the two of you will reconnect.

Take a few moments at the end of each day to think about what you want tomorrow to be like. Spend a few minutes thinking about the things that you are grateful for in your life and take some deep breaths, then ask yourself, “What can I do tomorrow that will improve our relationship.” Follow through on the ideas that pop into your head. Find ways each day to talk and share with each other.

Take a half and hour to an hour once a week to plan and discuss the week ahead. Coordinating schedules and planning your week together will help you feel more like a team. Each week plan a date for just the two of you and think of other ways to create happy memories together.

When you have the intention of creating a great relationship and you add to that intention consistent efforts to plan for and do the things that build relationships, you have a recipe for a successful relationship.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Stress-Free Holiday Season

2010-12-21T12:06:00.000-08:00

Stress-Free Holiday Season

The holiday season can be, if we let it, a very stress filled time of year. There is pressure to over shop and over spend; decorating, and entertaining. For those who are single or away from family, this can be a lonely time. People can feel left out and isolated. For other families, simply getting together can lead to tension and worse. One of my clients commented that she had no good memories of Christmas as a child. She said her mother was so stressed out about things having to be just so at Christmas, that all she could remember was that she always seemed to be in trouble and her mother was always angry with her.

Regardless of your personal holiday history, you can choose to find peace and happiness at this time of year. Here are some suggestions for creating peace and happiness:
• Choose to slow down
• Choose to feel and express gratitude
• Choose to be generous with your time and your love
• Choose to SMILE
• Choose to take a deep breath or several if necessary
• Choose to create happy memories
• Choose to keep things simple
• Choose to be playful and see things from a child’s perspective
• Choose to find joy in the small moments
• Choose to give gifts that say, I know you, rather than cost a lot
• Choose to make and stick to a budget (Trust me this will make after the holidays more peaceful and happy)
• Choose to expect to have a great time NO MATTER WHAT

Holidays in general breed unrealistic expectations. The minute you start wondering, 'is it going to be wonderful enough?,' it never will be.
Pepper Schwartz

Make up your mind that you are going to find ways to enjoy the holiday season. Decide that you are going to create peace and joy for yourself and let that feeling ripple out among those that you know and come in contact with. Remember: How we treat family members or clerks at the store or people in traffic is so much more important than what we buy or who we impress.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Merry Christmas

2010-12-21T11:26:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas

My heart to you is given:
Oh, do give yours to me;
We'll lock them up together,
And throw away the key.
Frederick Saunders

It’s getting close to that time of year where give our loved ones gifts and presents; so I decided to give you some gifts.

The first is a list of advice that has been given to couples:

• Be best friends.
• Court each other forever.
• Choose happiness over being right.
• Your partner comes first, before anybody or anything.
• Balance couple time and you time.
• Remember, foreplay never stops; it goes on day after day.
• Never assume.
• If you are doing things that cause you to think or say “I
can’t tell my spouse this,” you shouldn’t be doing it.
• Always compliment each other. "Tell your wife that she
looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
• When you vent about your spouse, you need to say three
positive things as well.
• Always make time for the two of you.
• Fight fair, respectfully and focused.
• Sometimes marriage is a bed of roses and sometimes there
are thorns.
• Understand that most marriages go through rough patches and
the best time to seek help is at the start, when you still like
each other.
• Remember that people do fight. It's how you do it that
matters.
• Respect each other's privacy.
• Never Keep Secrets.
• Surprise each other now and then.
• Have date night! Dates are for having fun, and people
should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8
• Hold hands. "They want to make sure their rings don't fall
off because they paid good money for them." Dave, Age 8
• Talk daily.
• Choose the one you love, then love the one you choose. "One
of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you
have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, Age 8
• Never compare, you always loose.
• Fight naked. ;)
• Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?
• The secret to a happy marriage is two TV's!
• Keep family, friends and in-laws at a distance in marriage.
• Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself.
• It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need somebody to clean up after them. (Anita, Age 9)
• No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has
something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and
deodorant are so popular. (Jan, Age 9)
• Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You
might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as
love. (Alonzo, Age 9)
• Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you
never take out the trash. (Randy, Age 8)

And the second gift is permission to laugh and have fun with each other and with your relationship. As you can tell from the above list other people’s viewpoints are often humorous and insightful. So in your marriage look at things from each other’s perspective and see how that feels to you.

Marriage is a serious and sometimes trying undertaking and we often get so caught up in that part of it that we forget to enjoy it.

Remember, you got married because of how you felt, not only about each other but also how you feel when you are together. The greatest gift you can give each other is your total and unconditional love; that and patience and generosity. Take care of each other and have a Merry Christmas season.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage and Kids

2010-11-26T13:02:00.000-08:00

Marriage and Kids

Relationships between a man and a woman can be and are great. We do things together; travel, vacation, laugh and play, we have sex and then we have kids. I have heard people, parents, say “when is it our turn.” Or one or the other of them saying “I never get the same time and affection, the same respect and consideration as the kids.” And all too often this is a legitimate question or statement. We, as parents are so much more concerned about the welfare of our children then about each other or ourselves.

It is a fact of life that we need to put our own life, our own needs, and our own concerns on hold when we have children, especially little ones. We can’t be enjoying that afternoon delight while our two year old tries to cook supper. Or we can’t be working on our intimate connections when our teenage daughter is in the midst of her first break-up. It just does not work that way. So, when do we get “our turn,” when do we receive that same love and affection, respect and consideration and the same time for us?

We all want what is best for our kids. We do whatever it takes to help them to be safe, loved and help them to grow. “That is just what moms (dads) do,” my grandmother says. “Sacrifice everything for our children, they are what we really leave behind. Our success or failure in life is measured by success or failure of our kids.”

“You should have seen what a fine-looking man he was before he had children.”—Arapesh Tribesman Give up our selves for the betterment of our progeny, I think not. Sacrifice is great, help our kids out is fantastic, giving them the world is terrific, but not at the cost of our selves. We will be better parents and partners if we take care of our selves. Individuals need time to be alone, no matter what age our kids are or what is going on in their lives.

At times, and it is usually the mother, one of the parents gives more to the children and leaves the partner to fend for themselves. Time, well spent, together as a couple is one of the greatest gifts you can give each other. That same time well spent as a couple is the greatest gift you can give to your children. I guarantee that you will be a better parent if you are happy in your marriage, you enjoy spending time together, you make efforts to find ways of doing that. In fact, you are a better anything you choose, whatever role it is if you are happy with your life at home.

As parents we need to make every effort to give as much, if not more, to our partner. Time and effort are needed in that relationship as well as respect, love, consideration and sacrifice. Because sooner or later your kids will all leave and you still want to know that person sitting across the kitchen table from you. It is one of the greatest escapes in life when we can ditch the kids with mom, or a trusted friend, for the weekend and spend that time lounging around is some romantic place. Even if it is your own bedroom and your vivid imagination. You need to do this at least once every three or four months.

Parents need time away from their offspring as much as kids need time away from their managers, er, parents. Vacations away from kids are great as well. Not that I’m saying that we never do anything with our kids but that we need to stay connected with our spouses. It is a definite fact that we need to give our children happy memories but how much more happy will those memories be if we still love each other. So….
One, two, three, four, you really need to learn to shut the door.
Five, six, seven, eight the kids really need to learn to wait.
Nine and ten, this is so much fun you’ll want to do it again.

Enjoy each other no matter what stage you life is in, it’s better for you and great for the kids.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Improve Your Relationship Through Self-Awareness

2010-11-26T09:44:00.000-08:00

Improve Your Relationship Through Self-Awareness

Our emotions allow us to experience the world in all its richness; without emotions the world would be a dull place. However sometimes our emotions are overwhelming and confusing. The first step toward controlling our emotions is self-awareness. Increasing self-awareness can also greatly increase our ability to understand our partner. It is difficult to be aware of and empathetic toward the feelings of others, if we are not aware of and understand our own emotions.

Our intimate relationships give us the best opportunity to improve our level of emotional awareness and control. Self-control is something that for most people comes much easier in public than it does in private. Home is the best laboratory for growing self-control.

The benefits of improving your emotional awareness and control include knowing and accepting your self. Rejecting or suppressing your feelings involves self-rejection. The huge amount of energy required to stuff feelings away and keep them stuffed away is exhausting. Emotional awareness and control also allows you to be closer to your partner. It will help you shrink the distance between you that may have been created either through hiding feelings or uncontrolled expressions of emotion or blow-ups.

Accepting your emotions when they arise, rather than denying, repressing them or stewing in them, allows you to release or let the emotion pass. The next time you are feeling a strong emotion, experiment with allowing yourself to fully accept or welcome that emotion, acknowledge and name the feeling you are having, take some deep breaths and ask yourself, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?” Once you get the message you can release the emotion.

Just as building physical strength requires persistence and practice, building emotional strength requires consistent practice. You would not expect to run a marathon without a great deal of training. The self-awareness that you develop by paying attention to and accepting and releasing your emotions will improve your relationships. It will allow you to more easily deal with problems in the moment, rather than letting resentments build until they explode, hurting everyone involved.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The Cost Of Being Right

2010-10-26T15:32:00.000-07:00

The Cost Of Being Right

Maybe you have met or are in a relationship with someone who seems to have the, My mind is made up. Don’t confuse me with the facts, kind of attitude. Or maybe when you look in the mirror you see someone with that type of attitude. This attitude is extremely destructive to relationships. Having to be right all the time may ultimately cost you the loss of your relationship. The least that it will cost you is a lack of intimacy in your relationship.

When you have to be right, you are constantly making your partner wrong. If you have to win all the time, your partner gets to lose all the time. This is not a fun place to live in a relationship. Your cannot really know and be close to your partner, if every time they express their opinion, you are correcting or criticizing them. If by your actions you are saying to your partner, If I want your opinion, I will give it to you, then you will never really know or understand your partner.

Your need to always be right, means that you are unable to be open to influence from your partner. It means that you cannot really listen to their opinions and feelings. You are too busy pushing your opinions and arguments. Trust and intimacy are eroded and will be completely destroyed unless changes are made.

This need to constantly prove that one is right, often stems from an insecure sense of self. If you find yourself feeling threatened or annoyed when people do not agree with you, ask your self, why is it so important to me to be right? What does being wrong or making a mistake mean to me? Does it mean that I am stupid or less than?

Mutual respect is vital for a lasting healthy relationship. If you find yourself constantly putting your partner down because you have to win or be right all the time, STOP. Ask yourself, How important is this? Is this worth making my partner lose? How will this affect my relationship? Can I choose to be happy rather than right? If you are not with someone you can respect then perhaps it is time to reevaluate your behavior and your relationship. If you are with someone who does not respect you, you may want to evaluate your opinion of yourself and learn to be more assertive.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Miracles In Marriage

2010-10-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

Miracles In Marriage

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're
looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck

Perhaps Erma Bombeck’s quote is a little blunt and humorous but
nonetheless true. Our marriages come with only one guarantee; if
you don’t work at it, it won’t work. What do I mean by work when
it comes to marriage? Let me get personal for a moment.

When I was19 I figured that I was mature enough and smart enough
and in love enough to get married, so I did. It soon was evident
to others, not so much to myself that only one of those three
was true. In fact, if the first two were true I would not have
gotten married at 19, I probably would still be single now 34
years later.

In the first week we were having major disagreements (a nice way
of saying major fights) brought on by immaturity, mostly mine
and a lack of smarts, again, mostly mine. You see when I said,
I do, I thought that I had the world by the tail and it was a
downhill pull from there. The sad part is I made my wife, my
sweetheart pay for my lack of both maturity and intelligence.
Everything was her fault, I could not believe that this
beautiful, intelligent young lady could turn out to be so, dare
I say, dumb.

It took about six months and someone mentioning that dreaded
d-word to open my eyes. I was at fault just as much if not more
than her. I needed to learn about the work in marriage because
ours wasn’t, working that is. What were we, what was I doing
wrong? I started to look around at people whom I admired and
whose marriages seemed to work. What could I learn? Why did they
seem happy and me not?

The very first thing I noticed from my mentoring couples (they
did not know I was watching) was that there was a niceness to
their interchanges. They actually said please and thank-you. My
grandparents in particular always voiced their love for each
other. Picture this; a 6 foot 2 inch man in the kitchen with a
greasy spatula mark on his rump where she, 5 foot nothing, had
whacked him with a giggled “Dougie” as he poked her ribs and
tickled her. I remember watching this when I was staying with
them when I was 17 and thought, How corny, but realized later
it was an exchange of love.

Another couple, who shall remain unnamed here but thanked in my
heart, demonstrated how to treat each other with respect. In
their relationship when one was speaking the other was listening
and didn’t interrupt. They valued each other’s opinion, asked
each other for advice and disagreed agreeably.

There was an older couple when I was growing up and attending
church that would always sit side by side. If there wasn’t room
in the row where one of them was sitting they would get up and
move so that they could sit by each other. I remember watching
them walking into the building always holding hands, he held the
doors for her, would take off her coat and hang it for her. When
they both were much older and it was hard for them to get around
and such I remember on a Sunday her bringing a chair into the
cloakroom for him to sit on to put on his rubbers. After he had
his on she sat down and he helped put hers on. This sweet old
couple gently taught me how to treat my wife.

Another gentleman of my youth told me face to face that it takes
a real man to treat a woman with kindness, gentleness and love.
He said it speaks volumes about the respect and love that he has
for her when he treats her as if she were the most precious
thing in the world. Kindness and gentleness, he said, a
hallmarks of greatness and strength. His treatment of his
wonderful wife proved him to be a great and strong man, one whom
I miss today.

Much later in my life, my wife and I had been married for about
18 years; I became good friends and a student to a gentle giant
that has become my hero in most aspects of my life. Brother Dan
taught me that love was not an event or an attitude; it was an
action, a set of behaviors demonstrating the depth of one’s
feelings for another. His kindness and love given to his wife
told her and me that she was his love, and her happiness and
well-being was more important than his own most of the time.

What do I mean by work in a marriage? You can see by the
preceding it is not hard work; it just needs to be consistent.
The work part usually involves remembering that this is the one
you have chosen to be with, you committed to. To always recall
what it is he or she likes or dislikes. To share with them, both
the good and the bad. It seems a little funny but it is the bad
times gotten through together that build the most strength and
the best memories. As Scott Peck has said:

In thinking about miracles our frame of reference
has been too dramatic. We have been looking for
the burning bush, the parting of the sea, the
bellowing voice from heaven. Instead we should be
looking at the ordinary day-to-day events in our
lives for the evidence of the miraculous.

If we want the miracles in our marriage take care of the
day-to-day stuff and leave the rest to somebody else.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

One Plus One Does Equal Two

2010-09-20T14:09:00.000-07:00

One Plus One Does Equal Two

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one also be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone,
though they quiver to the same music.
Gibran

The most important thing about couples is that they are made up of individuals. There needs to be separateness to the relationship as well as the desired and sought after togetherness. This seems to be paradoxical; we cannot be two things at once. That fact is not only true, but absolutely essential. We cannot be two separate and together at the same time.

This, it would seem, indicates that couples are together, one unit, however, that is not true. What the reality is we are two separate, complete and whole individuals who have chosen to be together. There is a difference. That difference is the all-important ability to chose for one self.

Healthy relationships are made by a conscious decision, with lots of forethought. In a truly loving and wholesome relationship there is an element of rational, cool-headed and warm-hearted choice. That is how we make good and proper choices; we really think about the pros and cons, we look at all the possible consequences, and we make a choice among the possibilities. Next, we listen to our hearts; does this choice feel right, are we happy with the logical decision we’ve made and if so stick to that choice, cool head warm heart.

Why is this so important, this being one and choosing to be together? The answer lies in the definition of love. Scott Peck defines love in his marvelous book the Road Less Traveled as, “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” By this definition we are truly individuals in a relationship of two.

To seek out spiritual growth, either for ourselves or for another is a quest of a “whole” person. One who is healthy and complete on his or her own. This is where the choice comes in. I am complete by myself, I need no one else to be happy or complete or whole thus, I choose to be with another because I want to not because I need to.

In our marriage preparation class we teach that it takes two whole and complete, healthy individual to make one whole, complete and great marriage. Peck states, “love is an act of will – namely, both an intention and an action. Will implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”

There are some individuals who seem to have no choice in the matter. You’ve heard them. “I’m not myself without you. You complete me. I can’t live without you.” Romantic, yes but unhealthy. If this is literally true, if you do not feel complete without the other, then this relationship is destined for trouble. Your partner can never make you feel whole or complete. You become an emotional vampire sucking the life force right out of your “loved” one. “We do not have to love. We choose to love.” Big, big difference, huge difference, being healthy versus being unhealthy. Happiness versus despair and anguish.

When there are two individuals in one happy relationship then as the poet Gibran has said “they quiver to the same music.” Not only do they quiver to the same music, together they make music.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Overcoming Fear In Relationships

2010-09-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

Overcoming Fear In Relationships

Two major fears frequently show up in relationships: the fear of abandonment or loss of partner and the fear of engulfment or loss of self. Ironically, we tend to choose a partner with the opposite fear. Often people with abandonment issues will choose partners who have engulfment issues. And so the dance begins, with one pursuing and the other withdrawing.

When our buttons are pushed and our fears bubble to the top, we tend to try to protect ourselves by attempting to control our partner’s behavior. We think that if our partner would just be sensitive to our needs and either give us the space or the closeness that we need then we would be happy. In reality, our partner cannot ever completely satisfy our needs, especially if their needs are in conflict with our own.

The trick is to acknowledge and allow our selves to feel the fear. When we can accept and even welcome our feelings, we can begin to look behind the fear to learn more about ourselves. Chances are these fears are related to experiences from our early life. We have developed a pattern of relating to others that we hope will protect us from experiencing the repetition of past hurts. The truth is that we will continue to re-experience past hurts, until we heal what is inside of us.

We cannot possibly arrange the outside world to constantly meet our needs. We must learn to meet those needs for our self. As we do we can begin to give our self the gift of peace. We can learn to hang on to our self and be comfortable with closeness without feeling like we will lose our self. Or we can learn to hang on to our self and be comfortable with absence without feeling abandoned.

It is important to take complete responsibility for meeting our own needs and learn to completely love and accept our selves. The more love and acceptance we have for our selves the less fearful we will be.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Finding Your Inner Goddess

2010-08-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

If your life is lacking a little in the romance department, maybe it is time to find your inner goddess.
It is important to see the divine in yourself, to understand your worth. When you approach your life from that centered place of knowing how wonderful and beautiful you truly are, rather than worrying about what other people say or think about you, you will see improvements not just in the romance department, but in all areas of your life.

Here are three simple challenges to help you find your inner goddess. They are simple, but not necessarily easy:

1. Stop putting yourself down!
Pay careful attention to your self-talk and learn to talk yourself up rather than down. If you make a mistake you are not stupid, you have learned one way not to do something. Talk to yourself like a kind and helpful coach, rather than a harsh critic.

2. Take the mirror challenge.
For two minutes a day for the next 30 days, stand naked in front of a full length mirror and simply accept and appreciate yourself. You are not allowed to pick out what you don’t like. Focus on loving and accepting yourself. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself giggling or even shedding a tear or two. If you persist you will find that you become more comfortable with yourself.

3. Give yourself a make over.
Get rid of anything in your closet that does not make you look good. Treat yourself with at least one outfit that makes you look fabulous. Get a bra that fits and flatters you. Get your nails or hair done. Most of all stand tall and smile. That creates the best make over of all.

Finding your inner goddess allows you to embrace the sexy, beautiful women that you are. When you feel sexy and beautiful, you will be sexy and beautiful. Remember, you are worth it.

Junk Food Relationships

2010-08-07T10:30:00.000-07:00

Which relationships in your life nourish you? Which of your relationships are more like junk food to your soul?

Junk food relationships are those that are just for fun. The relationship remains a surface-type relationship; you talk about lots of things, except what really matters to you. Junk food relationships never require that you deal with any real problems or that you share difficult feelings. These relationships, although they may be a lot of fun, can sometimes feel kind of empty.

Nourishing relationships are the ones where you know and are known by another person. Joy and delight are shared and celebrated. Faults and problems are not hidden. You chose to love, in spite of knowing that you each have imperfections. Building intimacy nourishes your soul. It may be challenging and uncomfortable at times, but these are the kind of relationships that can last a lifetime and more.

Difficult relationships are not necessarily junk food relationships. Difficult relationships can provide us with wonderful gifts: the opportunity to grow, the opportunity to learn about our self and another, the opportunity to forgive and to heal and the challenge to discipline our self to be our best even when someone else chooses not to be their best.

The trick, just as with food, is to find a balance between junk food relationships and nourishing relationships. However, unlike food, junk food relationships can be converted into nourishing relationships with an investment of time and effort.

Deepening your relationship means taking a risk. Sharing feelings, asking for help, offering service helps to deepen a relationship. Paying attention to the interests, wants and needs of the other person and really getting to know him/her deepens a relationship. Being honest without being brutal can deepen a relationship. Nourishing relationships may involve more risk (what if s/he doesn’t like me as I am); but they are far more fulfilling.

Staying safely distant may protect you from rejection or disapproval, but it also does not allow you to get to know those people who would embrace you and accept you as you are.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Just A Little Help

2010-06-22T08:04:00.000-07:00

Just A Little Help

In looking back at the articles I’ve written I realize that it may appear that I assume a lot of the relationships out there are in trouble. Not so, most are just fine; maybe they need a little fine-tuning but in general they are great. So what can I say that can assist those relationships?

I am reminded of a quote by Leo Buscaglia, “Life is not a trip in itself. It is not a goal. It is a process. You get there step by step by step by step. And if every step is wondrous and every step is magical, that’s what life will be.” The same holds true for your relationship, it is a process and it must be taken a step at a time. If you make those steps wonderful and magical and full of love and excitement then your relationship and your life will be that also.

Start by living your life with zeal and with great expectations. Want the best from yourself and from your partner, you both deserve it. Dance in the kitchen, laugh in the dark, sing in the rain. Buscaglia says, “I won’t! That’s a dead end.” So try, do things different than you have, once in a while have dessert first.

Someone once said, “Sometimes we get so involved in the questions that we don’t live the answers.” At times we can get too analytical, too focused on doing it just right that we forget to live. My personal trainer once told me as I was straining and struggling to do just one more rep properly, to breath. She said that it would not help me to do the exercise properly and die because I quit breathing.

Love each other, love being together, love life. Karl Menniger said, “Love cures, the ones who receive love and the ones who give it.” Emerson has given us the way to solve our little mistakes when he said, “The remedy of all blunders, the cure of crime, is love.” Buscaglia said, “No one is too big for a hug. Everyone wants a hug. Everyone needs a hug.” Make sure you begin and end your days with a hug, tell each other how much you care and love one another.

Make it a habit to say how thankful you are for each other. Do the little things that say how grateful you are for your partner. Express your gratitude for kindness and caring to each other. Daily say thank you to each other. Sean Stephenson in his book Get Off Your “But” says, that “gratitude is simply focused appreciation. It is nearly impossible to be upset in a space of gratitude.“

Take care of each other, but also take care of yourself. A relationship is only as healthy as those in it. So deal with your stuff. Work out your emotional and spiritual issues. Strive to achieve a place of peace and harmony within yourself. Meditate, exercise, learn, teach and become what you have the potential to be.

The poet Gibran has said:
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
But let each one also be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
Though they quiver to the same music.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The Power Of Acceptance

2010-06-02T12:33:00.000-07:00

The Power Of Acceptance

In the course of counseling couples we find that even when they come for help they don’t always want to fix their relationship. The obvious reasons could be thinking things like, we don’t need a stranger knowing our private stuff, it is too embarrassing to talk about, we can do this on our own, it’s not that bad, I’m only here because s/he dragged me. But there are also less obvious reasons as well.

For some counseling is a last ditch “effort” before they cut out and run, so they can say, “I tried everything, I even went counseling and now I’m done.” This attitude has its root in selfishness and the main reason for divorce and relationship break-ups is selfishness. However, there are those who don’t really want to come because they are unsure about their relationship, themselves, about life in general. There may be an element of fear involved. Fear that they married the wrong person, fear that if things change their partner may leave or if things don’t change they may leave, fear of what the change do to them personally, fear that if their partner really knew them and what they were thinking it would blow them away.

In order for a relationship to function at its maximum potential both parties have to really know who they are inside, they have to be whole. Becoming a whole person may or may not be possible but the striving for that state has a terrific impact. It starts simply. Acceptance. You have to accept who you are and be comfortable, even happy with who you are. Accept the fact you are not perfect, you don’t have a size 2 figure or have biggest muscles on the block, but you are a perfectly working human being. Jennifer Louden explains it this way, “I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.”

Accept the idea that it is okay not to be everything to your partner, that he or she is just fine on their own. That may be a little scary at first, if they are okay on their own then they may not need you. But think about and realize the freedom that gives each of you to be yourself. Accept that no matter how or what your partner is feeling, thinking or doing that does not determine who you are. You don’t have to feel, think or do the same in order to be a couple, in fact you will be a stronger couple if you allow and accept the idea that you are two different people—people who love one another and accept each other for who they really are.

“Acceptance is, in fact, the first step to successful action. If you don't fully accept a situation precisely the way it is, you will have difficulty changing it. Moreover, if you don't fully accept the situation, you will never really know if the situation should be changed.” Peter McWilliams, Life 101

This type of acceptance goes a long way to becoming a whole person, and a loving one.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

If We Are In Love, Why Does It Hurt So Much?

2010-05-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

If We Are In Love, Why Does It Hurt So Much?

When we love someone we become vulnerable to hurt, it is true. But choosing not to love in order to protect our self from hurt offers a lonely existence.

Love hurts when we rely on our partner to make us happy or to prove to us that we are loveable. These positions inevitably lead to disappointment and hurt. Even if our partner was willing to constantly work to make us happy or to consistently try to convince us that we are loveable, unless we choose to be happy and we whole-heartedly believe that we are loveable, they will fail.

Love also hurts when it is not nourished. When we take each other for granted or fail to make our partner and our relationship a top priority in each other’s lives, our relationship will drain rather than feed us. Love hurts when trust is broken and our world comes crashing down on our heads. Betrayal and infidelity leave some of the deepest wounds.

A Spanish proverb says, “Where there is love there is pain.” It is because we care deeply for someone that we become vulnerable to being hurt. But the flip side is also true, love gives us the potential for shared joy. When you love someone, it is not always going to be smooth sailing. But if you make your love a priority and pull together instead of apart, then it is more likely you will make it safely to shore.

The Kenny Roger’s song The Gambler, says, “You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run.” The same concept can be applies to relationships. Some relationships even though they may be painful at times are worth saving. For some it may be time to fold, or end the relationship. If there is abuse involved, you may need to run rather than walk away.

Life is Short, Enjoy the Ride

2010-05-12T20:46:00.000-07:00

Life is Short, Enjoy the Ride

Most of us have no idea how long we will be here on this planet. Consider, if you knew that today was your last day, would that change how you treat the people close to you? Would you be a little more careful to let them know that they are loved?

Be generous in your relationships. You never know how much time you have. There is no time for pettiness or grudges. Letting go of resentments frees you to enjoy life. Make yourself a promise that no matter what happens you will search for and find the silver lining or the blessing in disguise.

在天空蔚蓝雨后 means “the sky will be blue after raining.” Learning to accept and treasure the rain for the growth it brings to your life will make it easier to enjoy your ride through life. Try out the motto, “No complaints allowed.” Challenge yourself to have a complaint free day. Pay attention to how you feel and how many times you catch yourself wanting to complain.

Then take it one step further and turn complaints around and look for something positive. Instead of focusing on what is not good enough or what is lacking, focus on what it is that you can be grateful for. Increasing your feelings of gratitude is one of the fastest ways to increase your enjoyment of life.

True fulfillment comes not in the accumulation of more and more stuff, but in the connecting, loving and giving that builds solid relationships. Be generous, be kind, seek peace of mind.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Life Or Not; It’s Your Choice

2010-04-15T13:23:00.000-07:00

Life Or Not; It’s Your Choice

“In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” Albert Schweitzer

Our life as a couple is full of excitement, drama, pain, frustration, boredom, trauma, fun and every kind of human emotion there is. I know this because as a counselor I have seen clients go through and experience them all. These emotions are important because they let us know we are alive. Even pain and heartache are indicators of life.

The worse kind of human experience is “not existing.” Not feeling anything for our self or for our partner is being a kind of emotional zombie. We can kill any emotions in ourselves and in our partners by ignoring them, belittling them, treating them with distain, not acknowledging their existence, treating them causally and giving them the silent treatment. This is the worse kind of insult one human being can give another.

Some times these feelings and emotions can be lost because we get complacent, do not put in the time and effort necessary to keep our love alive. Neglect is a common form of emotional homicide. But it is not all terrible. We, as emotional beings, are very resilient. Given a chance we bounce right back and begin to feel our emotions, to be alive again.

In order for us to be happy and alive we need to give of ourselves. Share ourselves with our partners. They need to be with us in our happy times and in our sad times. They want to share life’s precious journey with us. Shared unhappiness, grieving and pain the lifeblood of a relationship. When we trust our partner, not only with the good things in our life, but with the heartaches, heartbreaks, sadness, frustration, anger, pain, shame and guilt we give them the ultimate gift, our life and our love.

When couples pull together and support each other through life’s landmines and roadblocks they come out the other side happier, stronger with a more mature and committed love for each other. We should be grateful when our loved ones want to share all of our life and to share theirs with us. As human beings we crave the company and companionship of others. In fact if we don’t get it, it can actually cause severe emotional harm and stress.

As the quote from Schweitzer above states we can burst into flame when we feel alive, truly alive because someone wants us to be there with them. Life is, as Woody Allan says, better than the alternative. Life is worth it no matter what the pain and discomfort it also brings. So live your life to its largest possible potential, breathe it in with every breath you take, celebrate the good and happy times and live the unhappiness and pain, experience it, grow with and through it. Live.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Old Enough To Know Better

2010-04-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

Old Enough To Know Better

In answer to the question, “What is the best thing about being a woman over forty?” a friend quoted her 90-year-old Grandmother who said, “Being old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.”

As women mature they often begin to come into their own, they become more confident, willing to take risks—to calm their fears and go for it.

While on vacation this year in the Dominican Republic we took part in some tours that a woman pushing 50 might be old enough to know better but young enough to do anyway. One was horseback riding. I had not been on a horse for over 30 years and had only ever ridden a few times awkwardly. My husband and friends lined up with the experienced riders and wanting to stay with them I got into that line as well. My horse was sad and tired looking, but had a mind of his own.

The first few times he started to run, I was rather terrified and pulled on the reins to stop him, which made him none too happy as he danced and pulled his head from side to side which was scarier for me than the running.

At some point I decided that if I wanted to enjoy this ride I was going to have to make friends with my horse, so to speak, I was going to have to trust that he would get me to where I needed to go, I would have to work with him rather than against him.

I discovered as I did this that he would only run a short distance before he would slow down again and at times when I thought he was getting off track he was only choosing a less mucky path.

There were still a few times when I encouraged him to stay close to the trail, but as I relaxed and stopped trying to control him, I think we both had a much more enjoyable ride. Except for my very sore legs and behind—there was a significant amount of pain involved, but that experience of coming to a place of peace on the back of a horse is not one that I would trade. It’s not one I want to repeat anytime soon, but it is an experience I will always treasure.

I think that often in life, we try too hard to control things that are beyond our control. We are afraid that if we don’t things will not work out the way we want. The problem is that all this fussing just increases our stress and often leads to frustration anyway.

When we relax and stop trying to control our lives and go with the flow rather than against it, we can enjoy the ride more. Coming to a state of peace in our lives means that we can allow, invite and accept the best into our lives—instead of worrying more problems into existence.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Don’t Procrastinate the Day of Maintaining Your Relationship

2010-03-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

Don’t Procrastinate the Day of Maintaining Your Relationship

Al Batt said, "The secret of happiness is to make others believe they are the cause of it."

As a marriage counselor I’m often asked what to do when things aren’t quite the way they should be at home. I can and do offer some advice but often I wonder, “Why did you wait till now?” It seems that people will go to the doctor when they feel a flu coming on or take their child to the emergency because of the way their head feels and their eyes look, yet when it comes to a check up for their relationship they wait until it is almost time for the undertaker.

It really doesn’t take as much energy to maintain a relationship as it does to repair one. And if you wait until the only way you can communicate is by the smoke signals coming out of your ears then the damage is harder to repair and sometimes it is too late. People give up trying, saying that it’s just too hard and they are too tired to deal with it, fight about it or worry or care if it gets fixed.

So as a marriage counselor I want to give some advice, free, I won’t charge you for it. When things are going good in your marriage, when you are happy about your relationship and really in love with each other, take a good look at your relationship. This is the time to make adjustments as needed. When you both still like each other as well as love each other.

I would suggest that at least once a month, probably more, each of you should take a moment to ask yourself these questions. “How am I feeling in my marriage?” “Do I still feel in love with my spouse?” “Am I doing the best that I can to make my marriage work and to make my spouse happy?” “Is there any thing I can do better, different, more of, or less of that will improve the chances of this relationship lasting and being happy?”

As you ponder these questions you can begin to pinpoint areas where you can improve your relationship. It is important to realize that you can change things; you can make a difference, that you can make it work. Because in all reality the only one you can change is you. Your partner has to worry about themselves; you have too much to worry about yourself.

And once in a while, monthly perhaps, get together and ask each other if every thing is going good for each other. Is there something you can do to help your lover feel happier, more successful, more comfortable, more fulfilled? It is these questions when asked in a loving caring manner with the promise to action that makes a marriage work. When each of you is just as or more concerned for your partner’s well-being and happiness than your own your relationship will blossom and in all likelihood you will never have to come and pay me for advice and help.

“Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” William James

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Creating Harmony In Relationships

2010-03-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

Creating Harmony In Relationships

Ambivalence is part of any relationship. If we are honest with our selves we will acknowledge that our partner is both wonderful and not so wonderful. We would also acknowledge that we are both wonderful and not so wonderful.

Where we run into trouble is when we begin to paint ourselves as good, giving, loving, wonderful and possibly the victim; and our partner as bad, taking, uncaring and the villain. We ignore or make unconscious our negative contributions and focus on what is wrong with our partner. We amplify our goodness and minimize our partner’s goodness.

Creating a lasting relationship means getting comfortable with the contradictions that are a part of all relationships. “I love you.” “ You drive me crazy.” It means accepting that good and bad coexist in each of us and that life is a bundle of paradoxes. We will always have contradictory feeling and contradictory experiences. It is not whether we will be disappointed in our relationship; it is the meaning we choose to attach to that disappointment that determines the depth of our hurt.

We need to be fully present in our relationship, we need to be aware of our contribution to problems and aware of our partner’s positive efforts, express our feelings and come to terms with the reality that we can be angry with and love our partner at the same time. We can choose to behave lovingly, even on those days when we do not feel particularly loving.

Harmony is not always about resolution. Harmony is about creating beautiful music together. It is about resolving one, but acceptance and letting another go. It is about focusing on and accentuating the positive. We can learn to love and accept the contradiction in our self and in our partner.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Don't Fence Me In . . . But Don't Step On My Boundaries

2010-02-27T08:29:00.000-08:00

Just as good fences make good neighbors, good boundaries make good relationships. A relationship requires limits, not limits on what it can become or where it can lead but limits to shield and safeguard the relationship and the individuals involved. These limits are the boundaries set around the relationship or the couple to protect the sanctity of the relationship.

Boundaries are the parameters within which the relationship operates or lives. Relationship boundaries consist of several different sets or types of boundaries. There are individual boundaries, couple boundaries, and family boundaries, boundaries of friendship, work boundaries and so forth.

Individual boundaries are boundaries that each person has set for themselves; these boundaries serve the same purpose for the individual as they do for relationships. For the purposes of this discussion we will focus primarily on couple boundaries and, where needed, individual boundaries as well.

A quick and easy definition of a boundary is, a set of rules or guidelines unspoken or spoken that define what is allowed within that boundary. For example a boundary set when getting married, often unspoken, is that each partner will remain true and faithful to the other. In other words there will be monogamy. This protects the intimacy and sexual relations of the couple.

Boundaries define what the individuals can or cannot do within the relationship. The above example is an obvious one, however, all boundaries are not that obvious. In fact, most are much more subtle and undefined or unrefined. An example of this might be when our family or in-laws expect us to do certain things for them, with them or even in a certain way, yet we as a couple have our own ideas of what we will or will not do. Establishing “our way” involves setting a boundary. Often times we only find that boundary when someone else’s expectations breach that boundary.

As Miranda, from Sex in the City, states: “ It’s a slippery slope … without boundaries you never know what might happen.” This is so true. If we have no boundaries our spouse can dominate if that is their wish, or they can be too distant, or whatever they feel to do. As we are deciding what to allow we must keep in mind that a couple, a successful couple, is two strong and healthy individuals who have reached a meeting of, not only the minds, but the heart as well.

Boundaries are not written in stone. They are in fact quite flexible. Like a water balloon, boundaries can flow around an obstacle and still retain their integrity. Water balloons will burst under constant sustained pressure or explode when pierced with sharp unexpected blows, as will boundaries. Boundaries are extremely durable while at the same can be fragile. Arthur Baer tells us what to expect from our neighbors about fences and that advise applies to spouses and boundaries as well. He says: “A good neighbor is a fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn’t climb over it”

As a couple, we need to respect each other’s boundaries and we need to expect other’s to respect our couple boundaries.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Feel The Fear And Get On With Life

2010-02-27T07:56:00.000-08:00

Feel The Fear And Get On With Life

Elbert Hubbard said, “The greatest mistake you can make in life is continually to be fearing you will make one.”

Fear of failing in a relationship can lead to exactly that. Fear is the opposite of hope. When we have hope, we are expecting and looking for good things to happen. When we live in fear, we are expecting and looking for bad things to happen.

Fears are as varied as the people who have them. For some it is the fear of what others may think; for others it may be the fear of intimacy, or being hurt, or being rejected or being alone. Whatever fears you have, it is important first to acknowledge and validate your feeling. And it is doubly important not to get stuck in them.

There is no point in worrying about things that we cannot control. Accepting what is, allows us to move forward. There is also little point in worrying about things that we can control. For things that we can control we need to make a choice, either we do something about it or we don’t. Worrying does not help.

So let’s take a deep breath, acknowledge our fears and move forward choosing to hope for good, rather than expecting bad.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Fight Fair

2010-01-30T11:43:00.000-08:00

Fight Fair

In any relationship that has lasted longer than the initial bloom of lust and attraction there will have been disagreements. Whether these disagreements turn into full fledged, knock down, drag-out fights is the realm of negotiation.

Negotiation is the art of getting what you want or a reasonable facsimile there of. In other words negotiation embodies that key word of any successful relationship; compromise.
Compromise as effective negotiation helps resolve situations where what you want is in conflict with what your spouse wants. Here the goal is to find solutions that leave both of you feeling that both of you have in some what gotten what you want.

You need to know what you want, how important is it—in other words what will you trade for, do you have alternatives, what do you expect and can you live with the worst possible outcome. What are some other solutions to the conflict is important to know, as well.

"Both people have to want to resolve the issue. You don't push buttons, you don't yell and you have to be in the same place. Don't start an argument in the basement when I'm on the 15th floor," says Tony Respess. Both need to be in the same place physically as well as emotionally and intellectually. In order for there to be any kind of discussion you both need to be at least in the same book if not the on the same page.

First things first, in any disagreement you have to face and overcome your fear of confrontation or disable your love of argument. Pick a time and place that is suitable for both of you where there is no one-up-manship, where nobody has more “power” than the other. Ask your partner if this would be a good time for them and if not when. Be calm and use non-threatening “I” statements. Most of all be gentle, remember this is the person you have chosen to spend your life with. Following are an even dozen hints to fighting fair.

1) Don’t lecture
2) Don’t sweat the small details
3) Don’t take everything personally. If your spouse says it’s true it is.
4) Try not to yell
5) Avoid guilt trips and avoid generalizations.
6) Don’t attack them. Avoid personal insults and character assassination.
7) Focus on one issue at a time and discuss the issue as soon as possible.
8) Listen to learn.
9) Don’t leave
10) Be respectful. Confront with truth and validate with love.
11) Stick to the subject; state specifically what it is that you have difficulties with.
12) Remember the goal is to heal and understand not to win.

"The short-term goal may be to get the other person to take the garbage out or to call you when they're late. But the long-term goal should always be to get the other person to understand you and to understand that person so that you can both feel good about each other." This is so true. The ultimate focus of any marital discussion or disagreement is to help each other feel needed, wanted, and loved.

In the Bible in first John it states that perfect love casts out fear. Perhaps you should make a list, do it on paper preferably--but if not, in your head--of all the things that you like about your relationship, that you love about your spouse and those feelings that you can’t live without. When things begin to get too heated, remember the list. As you become involved in these heated discussions the fact that you love and trust each other makes it possible and safe to tell each other what it is that really bothers you. Do so in a manner that accepts responsibility for your feelings and your actions, asking for help and understanding and you may find to your surprise a spouse who genuinely didn’t know and is sorry.

Love, understanding and acceptance go a long way to making change in a marriage. Be patient, kind and forgiving when little slips are made, love is a powerful motivator but so are bitterness and anger, so don’t be so demanding so as to cause your spouse to be motivated by the latter instead of the former.

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~Abraham Lincoln. Oh, and the best part of fighting is the making up.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

How Well Are You Meeting Your Partner’s Needs?

2010-01-30T11:20:00.000-08:00

How Well Are You Meeting Your Partner’s Needs?

All of us, as human beings, have basic human needs. In thriving relationships each partner takes responsibility for meeting their own needs and helps their partner meet their needs.

We are each responsible for meeting our own needs and should not be depending on our partner to make us happy, secure or feel good about our self. That said, it is being aware of and make efforts to help our partner get his/her needs met, that helps create a strong lasting relationship.

There is a temptation to focus on how our partner falls short on meeting our needs. However, it is far more productive to work on improving our self first, thereby inviting our partner to change, rather than demanding that they shape up.

Every person has 6 basic human needs. We all need to feel:
• Safe or secure
• Excitement or enjoy variety
• Loved and accepted
• Important
• We are growing or learning
• We are contributing beyond our self

Consider the things that you say to your partner. Consider your behavior toward your partner. Consider the things that you say to others about your partner. How well are you doing at helping your partner meet his/her basic human needs?

How sure is your partner that you are committed to your relationship? Have you gotten into a boring routine or do you do fun things together? What do you say and do to show your love and acceptance for your partner? Does your partner know that you think s/he is important? Are you growing and learning as a couple? Do you have opportunities to serve each other and to serve a greater cause?

The better you can get at each meeting your own needs and helping each other meet needs, the stronger your relationship will be.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Want an A+ Marriage: Give Your Partner an A+

2010-01-16T10:16:00.000-08:00

Want an A+ Marriage: Give Your Partner an A+

Give your partner an A+ and then communicate clearly with them. Listen to their hopes and needs and expectations for your relationship and be honest and clear about your needs and hopes for your relationship. Start out with the attitude that your partner is great and look for evidence to support that position.

Think about what happens inside another person when you give them an A+.

Show appreciation for what your partner says or does that contributes in a positive way. Celebrating even the little successes can help you move toward creating what you want.

Give your partner attention when things are going well. Often we fall into the rut of giving our partner attention mostly when we are displeased. Give positive attention instead of negative attention. Instead of complaining about what has or hasn’t been said or done wrong, acknowledge and appreciate what has be said or done.

Worrying, fussing over and focusing on the ways in which your partner fails to meet your hopes and expectations, simply leads to more worrying and fussing. When you give your partner the message that they are not good enough, the most frequent responses are going to be defensiveness and discouragement. Neither of these responses tend to help people see their potential to improve.

Consider how much positive attention you give your partner. If your partner were to answer the question, “How much positive attention do you receive from (fill in your name)? How might s/he respond? To your partner, does it feel like they are getting an A+ or an F, when it comes to your relationship?

The interesting thing is that when it comes to motivating cooperation, positive feedback is far superior to negative feedback. Positive communication is vital to the health of your relationship. When your partner makes an effort to get your attention, how do you respond? Research shows that in marriages on the verge of divorce, husbands and wives respond to a request for attention negatively 50% of the time or more. Where husbands and wives in stable relationships respond positively over 80% of the time.

If you want to create an A+ relationship, start by giving your partner an A+.

How to Talk So Your Partner Will NOT Listen

2009-12-17T09:07:00.000-08:00

How to Talk So Your Partner Will NOT Listen

Do you feel like your partner does not listen to a word you say? Are you frustrated, feeling like there is no point in even trying?

When you feel like you were not being heard, consider the kinds of words you use in your relationship. Have you ever said anything hurtful to your partner? Has your partner ever said anything to you that wounded you to the core? Words may not break your bones, but they most certainly can break your heart.

Check to see if your word and behavior may be encouraging your partner not to listen. The following are ways to talk so that your partner will not listen:

Use Sarcasm
Rude, cutting remarks, sometimes disguised as humor, may pass our lips and land on our partner. Sitcom sarcasm should not be the model for your communication. The origin of the word sarcasm goes back to the Greek phrase, "to cut flesh." The dictionary describes sarcasm as "a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain." When we use sarcasm, we make it painful for our partner to listen to us.
Humor is a wonderful part of any great relationship. But the humor should never be at the expense of someone's feelings. It is only funny if both of you can laugh and enjoy it.

Be Brutally Honest
Sometimes people justify what they have said to their partner by saying, "I was just being honest." The truth is that when you say things to each other that hurt, it is often much less about being honest than it is about being spiteful or insensitive. If you love and care about each other, you will take into account each other's feelings before blurting out a "truth."

Honesty is an essential element in your relationship. Respect your partner enough to be honest with them, but you need to be intelligent and tactful as well as honest. Perhaps when put on the spot with a question like, "Does this make me look fat?" you could answer with something like, "The other outfit is much more flattering."

Be Harsh and Judging
Complaining is one of the best ways to get your partner to tune out or stop listening. Judging harshly builds resentment and encourages him/her to tune out. Think about how easy it is to listen to critical, judgmental or unkind comments. The famous psychologist, B. F. Skinner demonstrated through experiments that it was easier to train animals by rewarding them for good behavior than by punishing them for bad behavior. Further studies have shown that the same applies to people.

At times partners may repeat the same negative messages so often that their partner learns to simply tune out that particular frequency. They in fact don't "hear it" anymore.

Tease Mercilessly
At times people try to disguise meanness by saying, “I’m just kidding.” Mean is mean and saying I’m teasing does not make it any less mean. Thinking that your partner should “suck it up,” or “have a thicker skin” shows a lack of respect for his/her feelings. It is not fun to be on the receiving end of this kind of teasing and a wedge is driven between partners, creating greater distance over time.

Considering how to talk so your partner will not listen may help you to identify behaviors that are destructive to your relationship. If you see yourself in any of the above, it may be time to try something different.

When you talk to your partner do so respectfully and whenever possible positively. Hearing what we are doing well is so much easier to listen to. Positive comments make much better motivators than negative comments.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Celebrate Your Love

2009-12-16T07:52:00.000-08:00

Celebrate Your Love

“Great love is built on great sacrifice and that home where the principle of sacrifice for the welfare of each other is daily expressed is that home where there abides a great love.” Harold B Lee

At this Christmas time of year we are driven to give gifts to others. It sometimes seems that we almost believe that the bigger, the more expensive or the larger the amount of what we give proves our love. What I would like to discuss here is a gift that requires no money and no stressful evenings at the mall. The gift I would like to suggest this year is you.

As Harold B Lee stated above the giving of ones’ self is the basis of a great and abiding love. When we give of ourselves from the heart we tend to grow and swell with a positive, empowering love and that also includes a self-love. Service increases our feelings of worth; it enriches our own sense of esteem. We become better. It has been said that the best way out of a depression, a way to rid you of the blues is to find someone else to serve and do it.

So we need to serve our partners and why would we not want to, we profess to love him/her. We hear so often in counseling; “I don’t know if I believe him/her when s/he says ‘I love you.’ I want to believe and trust that to be true but I don’t know if I can.” So how to do we prove it? By showing it, our actions and our behavior should be congruent with our words, then our partners can begin to believe our love for them.

Where to start? As stated before in this ezine; acceptance is the birthplace of change. We need to accept what is, is. Arthur Rubinstein stated: “Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” The place to start is to accept yourself as you are and then give your partner that same gift.

Because as Dr. Robert Anthony said; “True love depends on true freedom. Only those who are free can afford to love without reservation.” This is a two-sided observation. One deals with ourselves and our view of our self. The other deals with our partner and what we expect of him/her. If we put conditions on our love (I will love you when you make more money or when you are in better shape or whatever condition we apply) we are not allowing them to be truly free. Conditions restrict our behavior, our creativity, our expressions and with conditions we are not free to be who we really are. So the first gift would be to love each other unconditionally.
Now we should deal with our own view of ourselves. What does that have to do with giving a gift to our partner? Well if you bought them a coffee maker and it didn’t work would you not return it or fix it? Yes. When our view of ourselves is skewed, when our beliefs about our self worth is twisted, when our self-esteem is in the… well you know where then the gift of “our self” is broken. We need to fix it. Gift number two is to heal our selves, to grow in maturity and strength.

Next, we need to start to heal our relationship, to grow it, to bring it to maturity. And that starts with forgiveness. Hannah Arendt said it best; “Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.” Remember that we can’t truly love unless we are truly free. Holding grudges and hurt or hard feelings is binding us in the past; we are not free to grow and to love. Gift number three is to forgive each other and our selves.

How about a stocking stuffer? Paul Sweeney says that, “a wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies on any given year.” We need to understand we don’t fall in love or out of love. Love is a verb and action word signifying a choice. We choose to love or not. So put that in his or her stocking, the choice you have made to love them.

Have a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Enjoy your lives together; celebrate the season by celebrating your love.

“If you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to become different yourself.” Norman Vincent Peale.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Improve Your Relationships By Behaving Like a Grown-up

2009-11-26T09:34:00.000-08:00

Improve Your Relationships By Behaving Like a Grown-up

If people treated each other as equals and behaved like adults in their relationships, a lot of relationship problems would be so much easier to solve. Don’t get discouraged if you recognize that you and or your partner do not always behave maturely when dealing with each other. In many ways our relationships provide us with excellent growth opportunities.

Emotional maturity means that we take control of our emotions, rather that letting our emotions run us. Emotional intelligence is an important part of creating a healthy and lasting relationship. Increasing our emotional maturity can help us in many ways. It will reduce the stress we feel in our relationships, it will help us to be healthier physically and emotional and it will improve the quality and success of our relationships and our life.

Signs of emotional maturity:
• Awareness of your own needs and wants
• Secure sense of self
• Ability to be vulnerable and give and receive love
• Willingness to sacrifice for others
• Empathy for others
• Impulse control (thinking before acting)
• Willingness to be accountable for your own actions, words and thoughts
• Willing to face problems and seek solutions
• Enjoys life, takes a positive approach and learns from mistakes
• Lives with integrity (being true to our values)
• Ability to handle difficult situations
• Solution rather than blame oriented
• Hard on problems and easy on people
• Ability to wait patiently and defer gratification

Becoming emotionally mature is a life-long process. Here are some ideas for improving emotional maturity:
1. Get to know and love yourself
2. Experiment with daily acts of kindness
3. Learn to cooperate rather than control
4. Find a mentor or a good example to follow
5. Find a cause; commit to something bigger than yourself

The benefits of improving our emotional maturity will show up in our relationship with our self, with our loved ones and with the world. Life will be more peaceful, enjoyable and fulfilling.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

If You Love Them: Say It And Do It

2009-11-19T12:15:00.000-08:00

If You Love Them: Say It And Do It

If you love them, tell them. Perhaps you say, but I grew up in a family where, “I love you” was not expressed. It may feel awkward to say I love you. You may tend to use this as a convenient excuse for remaining silent. However, it is possible to choose to say it, even if it was not something that you heard as a child. You can be the one to establish a new pattern for your self. Open your mouth and tell the people that you love, that you love them. You will be pleasantly surprised that the awkwardness will fade with practice.

You also have to do more than say you love your partner or your family. You must show it. Your words, your actions and even your thoughts need to be loving. If we say I love you and then treat others disrespectfully or uncaringly, the “I love you” has a hollow ring. Saying I love you becomes meaningless if it is not backed up with loving words and actions.

It is the little thoughtful things that we say, do and think on a consistent basis that make our relationships strong and lasting. There is never a good reason for treating strangers better than we treat each other. Courtesy and respect are essential.

It is easy to behave lovingly, when you feeling loving. The challenge comes when you do not feel particularly loving. It takes self-discipline to be courteous and respectful when we are cranky, frustrated or upset. Behaving like adults and talking things out early, before we lose our cool can help to keep tempers in check.

If we slip, an apology is in order. Remember that hateful things done or spoken in anger are forever burned into the other persons mind. Apologies are great, but it is better to hold on to yourself in the first place and choose to show love rather than something less.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Am I In Or Am I Out?

2009-10-30T13:56:00.000-07:00

Am I In Or Am I Out?

Fear is something that we have all experienced to a greater or lesser extent. When we allow the fear of making a mistake to paralyze us we miss out on the opportunity to grow. Living life based on fear, breeds discontent. Some people are afraid to fully commit to the relationship that they have because they are constantly on the look out for what they might be missing. They, “what if” themselves to death.

They prevent themselves from creating a truly satisfying relationship by harboring this niggling doubt that maybe there is someone better out there somewhere. Any time things get a little rough in their relationship; they start to wonder if they have made a mistake. Any relationship where partners are only half is going to feel less than perfect.

Rather than endlessly searching for your soul mate, you may want to put your energy into creating a soul-mate relationship. The more you increase the intimate bonds in your relationship, the more you will feel like soul mates. There may be no perfect person for you. But you can build a great relationship despite being less than perfect for each other.

It is time to get down off the fence, what is it that you want out of your relationship? What are you willing to put into your relationship to help that happen? If you want someone who loves you unconditionally, then you must be willing to love unconditionally. If you want respect you must give respect.

Elbert Hubbard said, “The greatest mistake you can make in life is continually to be fearing you will make one.” Being fearless in your relationship isn’t about fighting dragons, it is about conquering self-doubt and self-sabotage. It is about being fully present in the relationship that you have. Become alive to the possibilities.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationship Failure or Success—You Choose

2009-10-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

Relationship Failure or Success—You Choose

Laurence Shames wrote, “Success and failure. We think of them as opposites, but they ‘re really not. They’re companions—the hero and the sidekick.” To have any real success in building an intimate relationship, we must be willing to risk failing.

How often does the fear of failure keep people from reaching their potential? The common defense mechanism, to not try in order to avoid failure, is a shabby defender at best.

We fool ourselves into believing that we do not care, that it is not important, or that we didn’t want it anyway to protect our ego from the uncomfortable feelings that accompany what we think of as failure. It is time to redefine failure—to change our perspective and accept that mistakes are an important part of life. Mistakes do not mean failure. Decide to restructure your thoughts. Learn to see mistakes in a positive light. Consider that there is no failure—there is only feedback.

The fear of failing stifles many otherwise promising relationships. The belief that relationships are doomed to fail, sets us up to watch for and amplify any little sign of trouble. With our radar set to pick up on any problems, we will easily find evidence to support our fears. Which makes us more vigilant, resulting in seeing more signs of trouble. We begin a downward spiral, which erodes our relationship.

Imagine the effect on a relationship if instead of fear, we had hope. What might happen if we set our radar to pick up on evidence of strength in our relationship? What if we watched for and amplified any little sign of success? We would inevitably find what we were looking for, leading to more hope. Take the challenge to create an upward spiral in your relationship. See problems as learning opportunities—information about what is not working and a chance to find something that does work.

Perhaps we could adopt the attitude of Edison, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationship Algebra

2009-10-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

Relationship Algebra

A good relationship is like an algebra equation. Both sides of the equation must be equal. An example would be:

Love + Integrity = Honesty + Trust

How does this work? If you have a strong sense of personal integrity, which you honor, and you love your partner within the bounds of that integrity you will receive trust in turn from your partner. She or he will trust you with their love, their intimate secrets and dreams. They know and feel your love for them and understand the depth of commitment your integrity allows you to forge. This fact alone allows them to be honest with you.

Honesty is not just being verbally truthful, not telling lies and not leaving things out, although that is a very important part of being honest. Honesty is also about giving your all to the relationship, not holding back waiting for the next bad thing to happen. It is about being there in the bad times and the good times. It is sharing both of those with the one you love.

Being honest means that you don’t sugar coat things to make them more palatable. You face up to your own fears and anxieties. You accept the responsibility of meeting your own needs and assisting your partner do the same. It means saying the hard things and doing the tough things when needed.

In any relationship it is all about balance and feeling equal. You want to have a happy successful relationship; do the math.

“A man content to go to heaven alone will never go to heaven.” Boethius

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationships: Avoid Criticism

2009-09-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

Relationships: Avoid Criticism

For most people it is much easier to confess the faults of others that to admit to their own.

When we make a habit of finding fault with our family and friends, we will limit their ability to share themselves with us. It is not pleasant to share your thoughts and feelings with someone who feels the need to point out every flaw. People who are overly critical of others often find themselves bitter and lonely. Others simply do not enjoy being around them and often choose to stay away.

We may claim as Marie on Everybody Loves Raymond, that we criticize out of love, however the result will be the same. Relationships will be strained and eventually disintegrate. Make it your motto to only offer advice to those who ask. Choose to focus on what others are doing right, rather than on what they are doing wrong.

A Dutch Proverb said it best: “Our faults irritate us most when we see them in others.” The next time you feel the urge to criticize someone else, stop and take a close look within. Then smile and find something nice to say.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationships And The Ten Thousand Hour Rule

2009-09-08T14:05:00.000-07:00

The time you put into your relationships will help to determine the success or failure of those relationships. Whether the relationship is with your partner or your children, time is an important factor. You may have heard the song, Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin, where the little boy grew up to be just like his Dad, too busy to find time to spend with his Dad, who had been too busy to spend time with him when he was young.

Being too busy to spend time together erodes the best of relationships. Take note of where you are putting your time. Where we choose to spend our time says a lot about what our priorities are. If we say that our partner and lover is the most important person in the world to us yet consistently give them the left over minutes in our day, we are fooling ourselves.

Have you put 10,000 hours into your relationship? According to Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers, we can become an expert in anything that we spend 10,000 hours doing.

If you spent between 2 and 3 hours a day on your relationships, you would reach mastery in approximately 10 years. You could become a master in relating to your partner or your childen. Ten minutes a day, however, will take you 164 years and will probably not get the results you want.

Simply spending time in the same room, does not lead to mastery; just as your sitting in the same room as a piano for hours a day will never improve your playing skills. To master relationship skills requires that you relate to one another--that you practice negotiating, cooperating, communicating, and most of all self-discipline and self-soothing.

We encourage couples to commit themselves to go on a weekly date-to continue courting and making great memories together. We encourage couples to talk to each other everyday and make their relationship a top priority in their lives. Many relationship problems would dissolve with healthy dose of quality time together.

Likewise, if you want to have a close relationship with your children spend time with them doing something positive at least weekly. Talk with them, not at them. Try applying the Ten Thousand Hour rule to the relationships that you value.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage: Commitment

2009-09-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

Most couples when they get married feel that theirs is a
relationship that will stand through all of life’s battles and
in reality they are right about fifty percent of the time.
Approximately half of the marriages end in divorce. These are
terrible odds; most people would not place a bet on these
chances. What makes this even sadder is the fact that there is a
large portion of the remaining marriages that are not happy. So
these couples are right about sticking through the battles but
they end up badly scarred.

So what can you do to not only stay together but to be happy as
well. As counselors, we have found a few things that may help
with both. The first deals with commitment. But you could say
that the opening sentence deals with commitment, couples get
married sure that they will last. This true, that is their
desire but are they committed. In society today, with the
divorce rates being what they are, there is a prevailing thought
that if things get tough you just up and walk away. Couples have
a built in escape route.

Thinking or believing this way makes it hard to put a one
hundred percent effort into your marriage. People tend to think,
“Why should I work this hard when I can just walk away and start
fresh again.” To be able to commit all of your time and efforts
into your relationship you need to redefine commitment.
Commitment requires both parties putting away fairy tale dreams
and understanding that a strong, happy relationship requires
effort.

Commitment is a two-fold idea. First you commit to each other
and to your relationship. Experience has shown that open or
looser relationships tend to end up on the rocks. So you commit
to each other, this is your spouse, your friend, your partner
and very important, your lover. Commitment requires one hundred
percent fidelity to each other. We have couple after couple
coming in and saying that their partner has cheated.

Often when asked if they had an affair, physically making love
to another person most answer no. They may say that their
partner is unfaithful on “Facebook,” or by email, or texting.
Some say their spouse still calls other or former significant
others. The fact is that they feel cheated by their partner’s
sharing of his or her intimate desires, sexual fantasies, or
just the tremendous amounts of time spent on-line, or in some
cases in person, talking or communicating with someone else.

So, the moral of the story is if you want to do those types of
things, don’t; unless it is with your spouse. That is commitment
part one. Next, you need to be committed to your relationship.
But you will say that I just addressed that, no I didn’t. This
is the part where you say “I am married” and you say it no
matter what. Never remove your wedding ring just because you are
not with your partner, the ring signifies that commitment. Make
sure everybody that you become close friends with knows you are
married and want to stay that way. People know that your spouse
and your relationship are very important to you.

Part two of commitment: you need to be committed to making your
relationship something worth committing to. There are many
people out there who are committed to their relationship but are
unhappy. They feel that divorce is not an option but seem to
think that being happy in not an option either. What is
necessary here is an understanding that happiness is an
individual choice. When you both chose to be happy, life is
better. You also need to realize that happiness never just
happens, it needs time, effort and work. Just because there is a
hiccup does not mean that life is over and he or she doesn’t
love you; it just means life has happened.

Now is when you show just how mature and committed you are. Talk
it over, work it out, do what needs to be done, get over it,
forgive, try a little kindness, cut each other some slack, look
at it from their viewpoint, try to see things a little
different, don’t always have to be right or get your way; all
clichés but all true, that’s how they became clichés. Life is
never one way or the other; there are always options. Very few
things need to be deal breakers.

The best advice we can offer at this juncture is to do what you
did when you were falling in love. We realize that time has
changed and life has changed but your love for each other need
not. Date each other, talk to each other (about anything and
everything, tell each other jokes, happy things), touch each
other (this is not sexual but it can become sensual) and often.
Have “meetings” to discuss schedules, events, needs and other
business of life. These meetings allow you to adjust, adapt and
know what is going on in each other’s life.

Have fun together, but don’t stress over it. We had a client who
didn’t enjoy the moments of her vacation with her partner
because she was too worried about he fact that she wasn’t having
“fun” all the time. A fact of life is that the majority of life
is spent being comfortable with the highs and lows taking about
the same portion of the remaining time.

Roger Ebert said; “Never marry anyone you could not sit next to
on a three day bus trip.” Well you are on a trip through life so
decide that you can, you want to and you will sit next to this
person and enjoy every bump, every sunset and sunrise together.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Awareness Improves Relationships

2009-07-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

Awareness Improves Relationships

Self-awareness is the first step toward a healthy sense of self and the first step toward healthy relationships. Awareness of our partner is equally important.

When you consider your life and your relationship, ask yourself this question: “Are you living consciously, semi-consciously or unconsciously? Think about your last encounter with your partner. How aware were you of his/her feelings, how closely did you listen to what s/he was saying, did you pay attention to his/her body language? How aware were you of your feelings and what was behind those feelings? Did you make a conscious choice for how you behaved or did you simply react to what s/he said or did?

Wandering through life half awake does not produce feelings of competence and does not make for great relationships. Increasing your self-awareness will greatly increase your self-confidence and self-respect, leading hopefully to a stronger relationship. Over and over during any day you choose between paying attention and not paying attention. Trying to run your relationship on automatic pilot is what gets you into difficulty.

There is the example of the husband, who was shocked that his wife was leaving him, even though her stuff had been packed and sitting in the hallway for two weeks before she told him. Interestingly, in those two weeks, he never asked and she never offered an explanation for the packed belongings.

Self-awareness means being conscious of our thoughts, feelings, and actions and behaving in harmony with what we see and know. Pay attention to the things that you tell yourself. Pay attention to the choices that you make in your relationship. Everything that we think, say or do is a choice. I find as a counselor, that most people are very aware of the ways in which their partner contributes to the problems in their relationship, but few of them are aware of the ways that they contribute to the problems.

When we choose to be aware of our feelings and share those with our partner, we become closer. When we choose to be aware of how our thoughts, words and actions affect our partner, we can choose to change what is not working. When we choose to be aware of our partner, we can be a true support and companion to them. Awareness both self-awareness and awareness of our partner will strengthen our relationship.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Exercise Your Relationship: Take It Out For A Walk

2009-07-15T12:35:00.000-07:00

Exercise Your Relationship: Take It Out For A Walk

“Happiness walks on busy feet.” Kitte Turmell
Most people are comfortable with their present relationship. Oh, they might like to be happier, they wouldn’t turn away more passion in their life and they may long for just that little bit more in their life together. But, as with any other situation, comfort seems to slow people down. When they are comfortable the drive to change or do more is not nearly as strong or persistent.

If your relationship is good and you are content with each other how do you move on to the next level? Just like any other part of your relationship, you need to look at yourself. Take stock of your energy levels, are your emotional potentials being fulfilled, do you feel spiritually fulfilled? How is your physical fitness, as good as it should or could be? “What does my physical shape have to do with my relationship?” you ask.

Well just remember the last time you made love, the time when you were really into it, emotionally, spiritually and physically. How did it go? Were you able to do the things you wanted to? Were you and your lover satisfied with the experience? Did you have to stop to catch your breath in the middle? Does the physical recovery take longer than the foreplay?

If you would just take a moment and think about it you would soon come to realize that physical passion takes a lot of strength, a lot of energy and a fair degree of flexibility. Just as the physicality of your relationship is a small, albeit an important, part of your total relationship, the physical demands of this part of your life are a small part of the total demands on your body and spirit.

To be emotionally in tune with each other, to be emotionally, spiritually and physically supportive requires that you have the ability to take care of yourself and then help your partner. Intense emotions, happy or sad, positive or negative, good or bad can be draining. To feel strong, intense passion, love, or concern can drain you for the moment.

As Thoreau put it, “an early morning walk is a blessing for the whole day,” especially if you walk together. A healthy fit relationship requires healthy fit people. So as a gift to yourself and your partner get a physical check-up on a regular basis, follow a good eating program—getting the proper amounts of fresh fruits and vegetables, drink enough water and start and maintain a fitness program that involves at least 30 minutes a day of cardiovascular work.

Being stronger and more fit will enhance your relationship, as you have more energy to give to it and your partner. Seneca, a Roman philosopher, stated; “it is part of the cure to wish to be cured.” It is part of a passionate, compassionate, romantic, loving and fun relationship to wish to have that kind of relationship. And that kind of relationship usually requires a level of fitness to carry it through.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationships: Come Closer/Go Away

2009-06-26T06:59:00.000-07:00

Relationships: Come Closer/Go Away

Every couple has needs for time alone and time together. The strength of each of these needs many vary greatly. Some may be much more inclined to time alone and others to time together. This difference in level of needs can become a bone of contention in relationships where one person craves time alone and the other craves time together. Often people find themselves vacillating between wanting time together and wanting time apart. Frequently the rhythms simply do not match. When one wants to be close the other wants space and visa versa. Learning to dance with the rhythm rather than fight against it creates harmony rather than dissonance.

There are times when it is important to be there for your partner, to validate and support. Times to reach out and connect. There are times when it is vital to make time for what is important to your partner.

There are also times when it is best to step back and allow your partner some space. Times when it is important to hang on to yourself and take control of your emotions, rather than letting your emotions take control of you. Take a deep breath, relax and accept that time alone is what your partner either needs or wants at this minute. Realize that you can give this to them as a gift, that you do not have to feel threatened.

Allowing each other space and time when needed and being there to support when needed will strengthen your relationship. The trick is to recognize what time it is. Is it time to draw close or is it time to create space? Domenico Cieri Estrada said, “To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.”

If you find yourself cranky and out of sorts, you may want to step back and take a deep breath. Identify what is going on for you. Learn to sooth yourself and don’t take frustrations about work or life out on your partner.

If you find that your partner is cranky and out of sort and listening to them and validating their feelings is not working, then it may be time to simply say, “I’m here if you want to talk.” And walk away. But walk away with peace in your heart. Know that it is okay for them to feel however they feel and it is okay for them to need time to themselves. Stop worrying and allow them to sooth themselves.

Becoming skilled at knowing when to come close and when to walk away, means becoming less reactive and more supportive as partners.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage Laffs - Keeping You Happy

2009-06-10T10:14:00.000-07:00

Marriage Laffs - Keeping You Happy

Marriage is tough enough without being able to laugh a little, cry a little, heal a little and feel loving time and again. So here are some quotes to help you think a little, laugh a little and reflect on your marriage.

"I Love You,
Not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you,
not only for what you have made of yourself,
but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out."
Roy Croft

"A wise woman will always let her husband have her way." Richard Brinsley Sheridan

"Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other, to let her have it." Lyndon B. Johnson

"Woe to the house where the hen crows and the rooster keeps still." Spanish proverb

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." Rita Rudner

"Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid." Harlan Miller

"When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." Prince Philip

"My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me." Jon Bon Jovi

"If thee marries for money, thee surely will earn it." Ezra Bowen

"A husband always prefers his wife's mother-in-law to his own." Anonymous

"One of the best things about marriage is that it gets young people to bed at a decent hour." M. M. Musselman

"No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying." - unknown quote

"My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce." Joyce Brothers

"Remember, you married her, you didn't hire her!" Dr Phil

"Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside." Frank Pittman

"If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it's because they take better care of it." Cecil Selig

"The grass looks greener . . . but it's Astroturf."

"Friends don't let friends get divorced." Diane Sollee

"A simple enough pleasure, surely, to have breakfast alone with one's husband, but how seldom married people in the midst of life achieve it." Anne Morrow Lindbergh

These I Can Promise
Author Unknown
"I cannot promise you a life of sunshine;
I cannot promise riches, wealth, or gold;
I cannot promise you an easy pathway
That leads away from change or growing old.
But I can promise all my heart's devotion;
A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow;
A love that's ever true and ever growing;
A hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow."

Perhaps this seems a little bit of a strange way of giving some marriage advise or encouragement but these short quotes carry a ton of wisdom in them. Perhaps an unappreciated bit of wisdom here is to not take yourselves to seriously. Enjoy.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage: Instant Renewal

2009-05-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

Marriage: Instant Renewal

As counselors, we are often asked, “How can we fix my marriage?” Couples want something simple they can do today that will make things better. It is only human when we are in pain, to want to make the pain go away. But, it is counter productive to try and rush relationship renewal.

An instant fix for relationships does not exist. Relationships are built drop-by-drop, kind words, kind deed, attention and so on. It takes time and effort to repair or keep your relationship strong.

When you try to cram attention to make up for years of neglect into a short period of time, you can end up drowning your partner in what now feels like smothering and intrusive attention. When people wake up and realize that their relationship is floundering, some may get panicky at the idea of losing their partner. They start desperately trying to show their partner that they love them and constantly look for reassurance that their partner still loves them.

Take a step back, take a deep breath, and hold on to yourself. If you are the one more interested in preserving your relationship, then you are going to want to start taking some steps in the right direction. But gushing all over your partner is going to get the opposite of the results that you want.

Today we seem to want an instant fix for everything. There are ads everywhere promising instant results. However when it comes to relationships there are no short cuts. There is no great thing that you can do to make up for the past, but little things done consistently can make all the difference.

Begin by really listening to your partner. Stop and ask yourself each day, what can I do today that will bring a smile to my partner’s face. Make sure that you are having many more positive exchanges to balance the negative exchanges.

Can relationships be repaired? Absolutely! It requires persistence and effort.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Strengthen Your Relationship by Staying Positive

2009-05-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

Strengthen Your Relationship by Staying Positive

Life has a way of interfering with our best laid plans and good intentions. Nobody gets married planning on forgetting that they love their spouse, nobody intends to let their job or school take precedent over the person they love but it happens. All to frequently, it happens. We see it all the time in counseling. People get so caught up in “living” they forget the important part of living; the person they love.

We have a tendency to take our partners for granted. Especially after we have been married for a time. We think; “She (or he) will always be there.” Boom! Our loved one is not happy, they are talking about leaving and we can’t figure out where this came from.

What you must understand is that if you are not actively taking care of your relationship you are inactively destroying it. A marriage takes constant work. We always need to be looking for positive things in our relationship. We need to be actively engaged in positive reinforcement of the reasons we got married. As I have mentioned in a different article, it takes five positive interactions for every negative one in order for a marriage to last.

So what are some positive things that we can do in our relationships? Are there any signs of positive relationship interactions, aside from the silly happy glow about those couples that have “mastered” it? Positive relationship signs are words, attitudes, gestures, facial expressions, and body language that communicate our love, concern, care, desire to be with and attraction to each other. Words of love expressed when one leaves to go to work, words and hugs of appreciation for unexpected giving (which in itself is a positive sign), holding hands, lightly touching each other when passing; the list is endless and varied as the couples who use them.

Fondness and admiration are two very powerful positive relationship signs. Appreciation is another. Touches, kisses, and little gestures of affection all build positivity quickly. Care and concern are two more ways to build the positive energy in your relationship, demonstrating to your partner that you are just as concerned about them as you are about yourself puts you miles ahead. Where you put your time and effort tells what you value most. So do a quick check, where do you spend most of your time and effort?

A fun way to get started on changing your relationship energy from negative or neutral to positive is to sit down and compose an appreciation poem or if you are not particularly poetic just a list of the things you appreciate about your partner. Although home crafted poetry, even if it is a little sappy, gets lots of points. This list can include anything about your partner and your relationship and your life together that you really appreciate. When you have got it all down on paper or in the computer, make it pretty, nice bonded paper, your favorite non-business font, fancy border and so forth. Roll it up like a scroll, tie it with a pretty ribbon, call your spouse, make plans to meet at your favorite romantic spot or restaurant and then give the scroll to them with the appropriate words and gestures. This list will be a cherished gift if presented properly.

Once you know what you really admire and appreciate about your partner make it a priority to express one thing daily to them. “Today I was thinking how much I appreciate______about you." I couldn't help think how much I admire you for _____________." “Remember the time when_________, Man I thought you were so hot." It really is the little things that mean the most so, yes sweat the small stuff. A hero is not the one who shows up once in a while to do the impressive; a hero is the one who is there all the time doing the little things.

In all things, turn toward your partner not away. Turning toward is being interested in what they have to say, in their opinions, it means showing care and concern and common kindness to them. It is holding the door open, helping them with their coat, it is saying “that’s great!” when they are excited about something or just “that’s interesting” when they tell you about an incident that happened that day. “Tell me more” is always good for a few positive points.

Remember it is not just saying you love each other, showing it and proving it means so much more. William Shakespeare said: “They do not love who do not show their love.”

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

We Are All Equal

2009-05-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

We are all equal

“The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent and it must be equal.” Frank Pittman

Having recently attended a conference on counseling, I came away with a renewed sense that equality is really the essence of any relationship. This was brought to my attention in a seminar regarding personality. In a group session working with both introverts and extroverts, amazing insights and understandings were available when both parties felt valued and appreciated.

When each group member, whether they have a preference to intro/extroversion, gave attention and respect to the others a great dialogue was opened and the discussion was successful. When we feel that we are treated as an equal, when our views and thoughts are give equal credence, when we are given the respect that we deserve as human beings defensiveness and anxiety disappear.

This ideal of equality applies to all aspects of our lives, in our marriages, our families, our social groups and our working environments. We all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect just because we are alive. We are born as beings beyond worth and there is nothing we can do in life that changes that. Granted we all make mistakes, make foolish choices or do things that we regret later; but these have no impact on our worth.

But nowhere in life does this idea of being beyond worth have more impact than in a marriage relationship. Because of the closeness of life within marriage bonds partners will often pick up on the tiniest nuances and take it personally. We need to be continuously on guard for the little things that our partner may feel as an attack on them personally. Be sure that our actions and thoughts demonstrate our love and acceptance of each other. Treat each other and ourselves as if we are priceless. Total acceptance and strict adherence to treating each other as equals is the secret to happiness and successful marriage.

“It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

The Magic That Is Trust

2009-04-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

The Magic That Is Trust

Trust is a paradox; you have trust in order to be trusted. In other words you need to put yourself out there. Make yourself vulnerable; give your partner the opportunity to support you or to destroy you.

Trust comes easy when you are first dating, courting and married. You are always talking to each other, disclosing your ideas, hopes, fears, idiosyncrasies and flaws to each other. The way this works is one of you will be brave and offer a little tidbit to the other and wait and see the outcome. What usually happens is the other feels like, “Okay, if they can tell me that then I can tell them this,” and reveals something back.

As you progress in the relationship you build trust by this process of self-disclosure, each sharing something with the other. This will continue as long as the person receiving does nothing that frightens, harms or scares the other. This by the way is the very same way that you build intimacy, well trusting each other, in and of itself will build intimacy.

Trust is a scared obligation. As the recipient of detailed and intimate information about your partner you have the responsibility to protect and care for that information. Along with the information you now hold their feelings in your power, it is vital to any relationship that you always, and I stress the word always respect, cherish and keep those feelings, especially, and that information to yourself.

Never use anything you have been given in trust as ammunition in fights, never belittle or make fun of it or them. Always treat the hopes, dreams and fears of your loved ones as sacredly as you would your own.

Being trustworthy is the hallmark of maturity. It is one of life’s most rewarding qualities. When your partner trusts you, they will be drawn closer and closer to you. Your level of intimacy in the relationship will escalate and your love will flourish and grow until you feel it in everything you do together.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage: Should I Stay Or Should I Go

2009-03-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

Marriage: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

If this is a decision you have been pondering there are some questions you need to ask yourself:
First, ask yourself, “Why was getting married important to me?” and “Why was our relationship important to me?”

Next, ask yourself, “Who is my partner?” What do you really know about your partner? Not in a judgmental kind of way, but have you really paid attention to his/her opinions, preferences and feelings.

Also consider, “What is my behavior in this relationship?” and “What is it like to live with me?”

This is the “why”, “who” and “what” of marriage. The interesting thing is that you get married because of the “why”, you stay because of the “who” and if you leave your relationship it will be because of the “what.” When the “what” goes wrong, you are going to want to blame your partner and once you start blaming your partner you may start to wonder if there ever was a good “why” for you to be in this relationship. But problems begin with the “what.”

Before deciding to leave, you owe it to yourself to be sure. Making a real effort to mend your relationship is the only way to be sure that it cannot be saved. To correct your relationship problems you have to start with the “what.” Take a good hard look at your behavior in your relationship. What is it that you are doing that is contributing to your problems? What could you be doing that would improve things?

Start working on making your behavior such that it strengthens rather than weakens your relationship. Start doing more of what works and less of what doesn’t. Remember that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and actions. Behaving in a loving way toward your partner will lead to more loving feelings toward them.

Next learn about your partner. Get curious; find out what feels loving to them and then practice showing your love to them in ways that feel loving to them. Too often we try to love our partner by doing something that feels loving to us. We can miss the mark and end up doing a Homer Simpson (giving Marge a bowling ball for her birthday).

Finally, remember why your relationship and your marriage was important to you. Now take this a step further and start to visualize and get a clear picture of what it is that you want your relationship to be like. Putting your focus and attention on creating what you want rather than complaining about what you don’t want will help you to keep strong the “why” of your relationship.

You owe it to yourself to be sure. Leaving is a painful, sometimes necessary process, there are times where leaving is not the answer, growing is. However, if you are in an abusive relationship ignore the previous advise and leave as quickly and safely as you can.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Positive Habits = Happy Relationship

2009-03-30T10:33:00.000-07:00

Positive Habits = Happy Relationship

As a counselor I frequently listen to the negatives about relationships. It is gratifying when I can help people make a difference. It is much more fun to deal with positives in people’s lives. Just try this yourselves. Recall a time when you were dealing with a family member or a friend who was always negative and then think of a time when you were with someone who was excited about their life and telling you positive stories. Which experience was more fun?

I want to encourage you to create habits—create good habits in your relationship. I am going to give you some things to try, not tell you what is wrong and how to deal with it or how to fix what may need fixing in your relationship. Instead I am going to give you a challenge that will help you create the relationship you want.

First, you need to commit to putting your negative stuff on hold. So how to do this; in your imagination think of all your current issues as little blocks, just like wooden building blocks. Picture yourself gathering those blocks up and carefully placing them in a box, if you have lots of blocks get two boxes. Now take some handyman’s best friend, duct tape, and seal the box tight. Now put that box, or those boxes on the top shelf in your closet. (Aside: this is not the way to deal with your issues but for a period of time learning new skills takes precedence)

There are four new habits you need to develop. These habits include going on weekly dates, having weekly family or couple meetings, talking and touching. The purpose of implementing these habits is to start bonding with your partner on a more intimate level, and no I am not talking sexual intimacy here, although as you progress in these techniques you may feel the bonds grow sexually as well.

Dating. I know, you already do or have passed that stage in your relationship. Dating, as if you didn’t know, helps you get to know one another, have fun together, develop memories together as a couple and become more intimate. So the first habit is to schedule a date night once a week.

What makes it a date? Face to face involvement, anything works as a date as long it meets the following criteria. It must take you out of the house or apartment, last at least an hour and a half together, it must be just the two of you and the focus is on each other not something else. Thus, a movie would not be considered a date unless after or before you spend time together, maybe walking, window shopping or going for dinner as long as the focus is each other.

Habit number two is holding family or couple meetings. These are held weekly to deal with the “must do” stuff in your life. Here is where schedules are exchanged and managed. Shopping and other household duties and chores are “assigned” through negotiation. Bills and money issues are dealt with in these meetings. There should be regular weekly meetings to discuss these types of things.

If you do have this on a regular basis then there will be less to deal with daily, but there still will be some. So, when there is the need daily, or not, let each other know this is a “dealing with stuff meeting.” These meetings can be used to teach children or each other the proper way of doing things. They can take away some of the “heat” people often insert into “business,” especially money issues. Dealing with these things at a set time on a regular basis allows more room for pleasantness and happy times.

The next habit is to talk to each other every day. Talking, how dumb is that, we all talk. Yes, we all talk. The question is do we talk to or at and, as in dating, where is the focus? So the task is to start talking to each other every day for a minute or two. The topics of conversation may not include your work, your kids, family issues or other such topics. They must be fun, personal, and focused solely on building your “fun” relationship. Share a story with your lover. Email him a joke or card. Text her a, “I love you” note. Call him up and say, “Hey, I just saw, learned or heard the most interesting thing . . .”

The next thing I want you to do is find ways to touch each other all the time. This is none sexual touching. The human psyche needs human contact. It helps us maintain good mental and emotional health. Lack of touch can have serious effects on people. So caress her shoulder as you pass her in the bathroom. Touch his arm when you talk to him. You can rub each other’s feet or hold hands while watching TV. When you kiss good-bye touch each other’s face. When sitting at your parent’s dinner table, touch knees or feet. Touch, good touch, can help build bonds of intimacy as well.

Start today and practice these positive relationship habits and your life will become a little more fun.

“Anything you're good at contributes to happiness.” Bertrand Russell

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Kids: The Casualties of Marriage Problems

2009-03-10T12:28:00.000-07:00

Kids: The Casualties of Marriage Problems

A wise man once said, “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” It could also be added that the most important thing a mother can do for her children is to love their father.

A loving marriage provides a solid foundation for your family. It is not the child who has been taught about love who knows how to love, it is the child who has experienced love who knows how to love. Unfortunately many times when marriages struggle children get caught in the cross fire.

The best way to prepare your children to enjoy a loving and fulfilling marriage, is to create for yourselves a happy and fulfilling relationship. The example that you set will have far greater effect that the words you speak.

All the time and effort that you put into helping your children be successful, by making sure they get a good education, they have opportunities to participate in sports and cultural activities, helping them to discover and develop their talents; will not mean much if you have set them up to struggle in their personal lives. How do you set them up to struggle? By struggling yourselves.

At the end of the day it is not the stuff we have accumulated or even the adventures we have participated in that bring us fulfillment. It is loving relationship that bring us fulfillment. Create for yourselves the kind of relationship you would want your children to enjoy. Become the couple that they would love to emulate.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Dealing With In-Law Troubles

2009-02-27T15:30:00.000-08:00

Dealing With In-Law Troubles

The support of family and friends is a huge asset to any marriage. It is unwise to criticize or ridicule your future in-laws. Remember that they are a part of your partner’s life. Even if your partner criticizes them or you feel they are a destructive influence, you need to speak respectfully of them and to them. It may help to remember that your partner probably picked you because in some ways you are like significant others in their life.

Decide to accept and love your partner’s family regardless. When you choose not to be offended by things that they may say or do; but instead get curious and learn about who they are and what they think and feel—you may find that they are not so bad after all. If you consistently treat them with respect and consideration they will eventually come around or at least your dignity will remain intact.

Trying to isolate your partner from his/her family and friends is abusive and will usually backfire.

It is also important to set boundaries around your relationship. Take some time to discuss and decide as a couple what role family and friends will play in your life. How much time will you spend visiting? What role will they play in tradition, and special occasions?

Remember, if your family is less than respectful to your partner, it is your responsibility to speak up. Firmly and tactfully set some boundaries to protect your partner and your relationship.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Satisfaction or Love

2009-02-14T08:03:00.000-08:00

Satisfaction or Love

"Joy is not in things, it is in us."

Are you satisfied and committed to your relationship? Research shows that commitment and satisfaction are more important than love when it comes to staying in your relationship. Psychologist Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., of Illinois State University studied 101 heterosexual couples at a Midwestern university over a four-year period and discovered that satisfaction and commitment were as, or more, important than love for couples in their desire to stay together.

She found that, for the 59 percent who had ended their relationship before the study was over, the couples still loved each other. In fact, some still loved each other after the relationship ended. Dr. Sprecher said, "these results suggest that people do not end their relationship because of the disappearance of love, but because of a dissatisfaction or unhappiness that develops, which may cause love to stop growing."

There seems to be evidence suggesting that commitment is the indicator of the persistence of the relationship. Sprecher’s study indicates that for those couples who remained together their love and satisfaction increases over time as well. Commitment should be coupled with happiness and love, as Dr. Sprecher found. As a counselor I have found numerous couples who are very committed to their relationship who are extremely unhappy with each other. Some even have lost the love they once had but stay in the relationship out of a sense of commitment.

How does one increase their satisfaction in their relationship? An important factor in satisfaction is acceptance. People need to accept themselves and their partners as they are. This acceptance allows each person in the relationship to be themselves; being yourself helps one feel good with the world. This feeling good is part of satisfaction. Accepting your partner and your relationship as it is helps relationship satisfaction to grow as well.

Acceptance does not mean that there is no room or desire for change; in fact it empowers people to change. Acceptance means a person takes total and complete responsibility for themselves and their part in the relationship. There is no blame attached to each other for specifics in the relationship. This acceptance of responsibility and the lack of blame help to make the relationship a safe and satisfying place to be.

Happiness is the inherent goal for all people. People do what they do for two reasons; to avoid pain and to be happy. Acceptance of life as it is also helps people to be happy for much the same reasons as it helps them be satisfied. To be able to just say this is who am at the moment and this is who my partner is and this is how our relationship is and that is all right alleviates a lot of stress. Less stress means more energy to build the relationship in positive ways.

Being positive is also a way for couples to build satisfaction and happiness into their relationship. Looking for ways to support and build up the other builds both. Being interested in what interests your partner makes them happier and when they are happier so are you.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Sex: The New Miracle Drug

2009-02-14T07:45:00.000-08:00

Sex: The New Miracle Drug

“Sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment with it.” Rumi

If you always thought that sex was just for pleasure, yours and your partner’s, Think again. Recent studies seem to be indicating that sex has an affect on your health. Dr. Paul Pearsall, Director of Behavioral Medicine at Detroit's Beaumont Hospital, writes “the joys and pleasures of living life and loving may provide us with something called an "intimacy inoculation" that actually protects us from disease.” So when you are making love you can also be helping your immune system to fight illness.

Balance in our lives is important, especially between our health and healing systems. One way to help achieve this balance is to establish and maintain a deep, intimate relationship with your partner. Intimacy does not always equal sex, although it usually heightens the experience. Holding hands, snuggling and casual loving touch, quiet conversations can all be very intimate and very fulfilling.

This type of intimacy often leads to a feeling of connectedness, where you feel that deep, loving bond between you and your partner. When we experience these intimate, moments, researchers have said that we may experience a measurable change in neurochemicals and hormones throughout the body that help promote health and healing.

It is not just the sex act of intercourse that starts us on the path to health and healing through sex but it is the closeness that making love brings that is the clincher. “Psychologist and author Gina Ogden, Ph.D. notes in her book, Women Who Love Sex, that sex has everything to do with openness, connection to and bonding with a partner, feelings about what is happening to us, and memories.”

As couples we need to practice safe sex. Not the kind that the world thinks of to prevent STDs and pregnancies but safe sex that relates to our emotional security. The very act of making loves is one of the most vulnerable things there is. We open our selves up and trust our partners to love us and not hurt us. Most women feel that warm, loving connections between themselves and with their partners is “essential to and inseparable from the experience of sexual ecstasy.”

And not just for women. Research seems to be suggesting the same for men, especially those younger men. Our society is now deeming it an acceptable thing for men to notice and talk about their feelings. This trend leads to men also being able to admit that what they crave the most about sex is the same as women, they want the closeness and connection that making love brings.

Older men really want it as well they just have not put the two together. Dr. Anthony Fiore, a leading sex therapist and counselor says that these older “men were taught, as youths, that males showed love by doing, not by talking or ‘connecting’ with girls.” The good news for the older couples out there is that anyone can learn to become close. It will take patience and understanding on the woman’s part and commitment and desire on the man’s.

So if you want to be a little healthier and increase your chance of living longer try this new medical prescription. Take a long walk together, hold hands and talk about your innermost thoughts and feelings, laugh and giggle together, make that connection then go home and climb into bed and set the world on fire.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Are We Destined To Repeat Past Mistakes?

2009-01-30T09:11:00.000-08:00

Are We Destined To Repeat Past Mistakes?

The majority of people make many mistakes, daily. That does not make us bad people, just human. Chances are you are not perfect. In the course of your life you have probably make mistakes, even if the last one was in 1987 it was a mistake.

People often complained that they make the same mistakes, over and over. They wonder if they will ever stop making that mistake. As a counselor I am asked what is wrong with me, why can't I stop? Occasionally there is something that we do wrong and the immediate consequence is so traumatic that we don't repeat it. What is the best way to remember your wife's birthday? Just forget it once.

Other mistakes are a little harder to define as a mistake. Situations change from when we first did whatever it was that we did. At the time it may have not seemed like a mistake but in hindsight we find that it was a mistake. It may not have been the wrong choice for the moment but perhaps was not the wisest course of action available to us. These kinds of issues are fairly common and sometimes all it requires is that we spend a little more time researching and thinking about the situation. Make use of wise decision-making techniques. Evaluate all the options open to us and choose the one is best for ALL concerned.

The mistakes that people keep repeating over and over usually concern interpersonal issues. Take the example of the woman who is married and divorced four times. Her question is "aren't there any good men out there." When in reality there are plenty, in fact most of her husbands are good people, just not good for her. The problem here is that she has some personal issues that keep her choosing the same man over and over.

Repeated mistakes quite often indicate personal issues that have not been resolved. When this happens the person keeps making the same choices, leading to the same pain, hence the same mistake. Other problems, especially emotionally laden issues, have a tendency to cycle through a persons life until they are resolved. The cycle varies from between five to seven years with the issue arising quicker the older you get.

So, are we destined to repeat our mistakes for the rest of our lives? Destined, no. Apt to repeat them, yes, unless we resolve the issues and get some closure. There are many good self help books out there that can help resolve those issues and for the really ingrained ones you would probably do best with find a good counselor.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Be True To Yourself

2009-01-30T08:56:00.000-08:00

Be True To Yourself

Dr. Suess gave us this pearl of wisdom, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”

Being true to yourself means guarding your integrity. Integrity is an essential part of self-esteem. The cost to your self-respect is huge when you pretend to be someone that you are not in order to gain acceptance from others. The thing that people often forget is that self-acceptance is far more important than popularity.

Pretending to be someone other than who you are in order to fit in will, in the long run, cause you to reject who you really are. The problem is that when you are unable to love and accept yourself, you will struggle with loving and accepting others.

When your actions run contrary to your values and beliefs you will experience discord in your life. Things will not feel “right” to you. It may feel like you are struggling against life.

Being true to yourself begins with knowing yourself. Like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, you need to pay attention to your own feelings. What kind of eggs do you like? Get to know yourself.

Recognize that your real friends will not push you to do things that are against your values and they will accept you as you are. Friends also help you see yourself more clearly at times. A true friend will not only accepts and loves you, but helps you grow as well.

Being true to yourself and accepting yourself does not mean that you are perfect and never need to grow or change. Self-acceptance does not mean self-coddling. If you have faults, work to improve in those areas. If you make a mistake, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, apologize and learn from it.

Being true to yourself also does not require you to be disrespectful or inconsiderate of others. But it does mean that you make your own choices based on your beliefs and values and that you honor your inner sense of what is right for you.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

What Have You Done For Fun Lately?

2009-01-09T12:34:00.001-08:00

What Have You Done For Fun Lately?

Whether the relationship is with your children, your partner or your friends, fun should be a part of it. If smiling and laughter is not a regular part of your day, then maybe it is time to lighten up. A smile brightens your face and brightens you mood. Finding reasons to smile helps make life more worthwhile.

A sense of humor is a great addition to any relationship. Just remember not to use humor at the expense of others. It is only funny if everyone can laugh about it. Laughing at others can be hurtful.

Are your children learning from you that it is okay to enjoy life? Are they learning to see the humor in difficult situations and to not take themselves too seriously? Are they learning that there is a time to work and a time to play? Make some time to have fun with your children and ensure that it is also fun for them.

If your relationship seems a little stale, you might start by asking yourself, “What have we done for fun lately?” If you realize that this element has been lacking, then it may be time for brainstorming and action. Each of you makes a list of things that you like to do for fun. Push yourselves to come up with at least ten ideas. Then compare your lists. If there are some similarities, great, these are things that you both find fun. Now schedule and do at least one fun thing together each week.

If you don’t have similarities then look at this as an opportunity to try out some things that are fun for your partner and have them try out some things that are fun for you. You don’t have to do everything on the lists and you can add to the lists at any time. Just DO IT. Give yourself permission to have fun and enjoy life.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

At Christmas Give Your All

2008-12-17T10:03:00.000-08:00

At Christmas Give Your All

At this Christmas season we should give ourselves a present. We give money to the guys in Santa suits ring the bells in the mall, we give small secret Santa gifts at the office and most of us have our favorite charities we give too over the Christmas season. Our kids usually get spoiled rotten, even after we say they can’t have this or that. Parents, friends and family all get their little love gift from us and most of all; our partners get gifts from us.

We give out money, cards, gifts and love. By the time Christmas day rolls around we are so worn out and exhausted we can’t find anything else to give and we don’t have the energy to do it. Most of us have a list and we check it twice so that we don’t forget uncle John or great-aunt Edna. The paper-boy, the secretary, the teachers and the mailman all want their piece of us.

The TV is filled with advertisements showing big-eyed, starving children or under privileged families living on nothing and expecting us to help some more. This is all well and good but it can leave us tired, bewildered and cranky. So take some time out for you, and some time for your relationship.

What is it that makes you happy? Is there something you would like just for yourself, a massage, a nap or a long leisurely soak? What about for your partner and your relationship? You know it is not a selfish gesture to take some thing for yourself; in fact it is a smart thing to do. The more you feel relaxed, refreshed and rejuvenated the better others will feel around you.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you for your relationship is take some time together. Make plans for an intimate evening over the holidays, a quiet lunch or coffee. At all times just be there for each other, to listen, to commiserate, to validate. Be ready at times to put your plans on the back burner for the moment and just be with your partner. Thomas S Monson has said; “He who gives money, gives much; he who gives time, gives more, but he who gives of himself gives all.”

Be prepared to give your all this season to help make your partner feel cherished and loved.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Don't Do That! Demands in Relationships

2008-12-15T09:59:00.000-08:00

Don’t Do That! Demands in Relationships

In our relationships, how much of our time is spent telling others what not to do? Telling people not to do something does not help them know what they should be doing. What it does tend to do, is invite defensiveness and resistance.

Another chunk of our time is spent on telling others what to do—generally with no better results. Again what we get is defensiveness and resistance.

Think of what it is like to be told what to do or what not to do. How many of us respond well to demands? Trying to change or control others behavior tends to be a losing battle—and it often becomes a battle when their defensiveness sets off our defensiveness and so on.

This does not mean that you have to give up wanting your relationships to be better. What it does mean is that there is a better way to approach a partner, child, parent or friend.

The first thing to do is identify the need behind your demand. What is it about what they are doing or not doing that bothers you? Which of your needs is not being met? Is the need to feel safe, accepted, loved, important, or a need for variety?

Once you have identified the need, then your job is to self-soothe. Hang on to yourself and do your best to meet that need for yourself. Approve of, love, and accept yourself. Remember, no one can make you feel bad without your permission. Although it may not always seem like it, you choose how you feel and react.

The next step is to turn your complaint into a specific, positive request. Instead of saying, “Don’t do that,” you say, “Would you please do this.” If you have successfully self-soothed, this statement will feel like a request rather than a demand. Requests, especially those made when you feel at peace and good about yourself, are often much more successful in prompting relationship improvements.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

A Christmas Gift For A Liftetime

2008-12-15T09:40:00.000-08:00

A Christmas gift for a lifetime.

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” Anne Frank

One of the best gifts a married couple can give each other is a change in focus. It is often our focus in the relationship that can cause pain, hurt, disagreements and miscommunications. As Joe Vitale teaches, what we focus on we get more of. Therefore the smart thing to do is focus on what we want in our relationship. Happiness. Joy. Friendship. Love.

If you have ever suffered, even a little bit, from depression you will know how physically draining it is. What needs to be understood is that being negative takes more energy than being positive. That may seem a little silly but it is true. You may have heard people say, “It takes more energy to frown than to smile,” and that too is true.

So what has this to do with a change in focus? As couples, the focus should be on the positive rather than the negative. This will infuse your relationship with energy. Couples should be looking for the positive things their partner does and what good things he or she brings to the relationship. Instead of finding fault they should be finding characteristics that are uplifting, fun, joyful, and happy or in other words look for the good.

This includes the disagreements that pop up every once in a while. How this works is that instead of beating each other over the head with the “you should have’s”, the “why didn’t you’s,” the “what did you do’s,” you should be supportive, be positive, and validate their experience. Try to be understanding and caring. Just an aside here; validating or understanding does not mean agreement. You can still disagree but you can also understand what and why your partner is feeling and be supportive by telling him/her that you can understand why s/he would feel like that. This type of behavior builds the relationship, while blaming, criticizing and denying tears the relationship down.

A great place to start is by asking your self, “What can I do to make my marriage a better place to be?” Ask the tough questions of yourself. Do I understand what my spouse is feeling and why? Can I give him/her a little support and encouragement if what s/he is doing is not what I would do? Then comes the really tough one and you need to be brutally honest with yourself. What do I bring to this disagreement, what signals is my partner picking up from me? Does s/he feel the love and support I want to give him/her?

A great place to work from is the certain knowledge that your partner loves and supports you in what you are doing. Trying to change your partner to meet your needs and expectations is like trying to eat soup with a fork. Frustrating. So shift the focus from me to us. The question becomes what can I do to make this marriage work instead of what is s/he doing wrong. Make your relationship solution oriented, rather than problem oriented. When a problem happens try looking for a way out that makes you both winners, because if one is winner then the other is a loser. Not Good. So look to the future in your relationship not the past.
Andy Warhol says, “They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” So for Christmas this year give your partner your new attitude and a big smile. It takes less energy.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Syrup on the Table

2008-11-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

Syrup on the Table

In every relationship there are moments when we don’t feel particularly loving with our partner. Does this mean we are not “in love” with them? Of course not, it just means we are human and have our good days and our bad days. As human beings we are capable of deep committed loving relationships. Also, we are capable, at the same time, of feeling disconnected, upset, angry and frustrated with the person with whom we are in love. This seems to be a dichotomy, a serious one that can cause us pain in our relationships.

Not necessarily so. These two opposing feelings are on two different levels. One, the commitment, is deep within our psyche. It is fostered in a place where our sense of self, our sense of wonder, our sense of life is formed. The other is merely a surface level blip. This is like the syrup spilled on the dining room table, sticky but a little work and perseverance takes care of it. But if left to dry and get hard it becomes harder to remove and may leave a stain.

When life interferes with our relationships and causes those momentary irritations with each other it’s just like the syrup spill—immediate care should be taken to clean up the problem. The first step is to acknowledge that you love your partner and he or she is entitled to be out-of-sorts sometimes. They can have reactions to bad hair days just like anyone else, including your self.

When we accept our partners without strings or conditions we allow them to be themselves and to change if they desire change. If we see them as a person like ourselves with hopes, fears, dreams and goals we can see them in their entirety, their humanness. We can say that we make mistakes and so can they.

The trick is to not blame, ever. When we blame someone, then we have to find them blameworthy in order to justify our blame. So, back to step one, just accept what happened, happened. Try to understand what our partner did, felt, wants, needs or is trying to get with his or her actions. When we accept then it is easier to understand and forgive, step three, if necessary.

Talk to them and listen to what they are saying, not only with their mouths, but also with their body language. We know our partner quite well so it should be fairly simple to know when something is not quite right. Look behind the incident for reasons and causes. This step is crucial to cleaning up the syrup so there are no sticky stains left to deal with later. Never hold grudges, deal with the issue and put it to bed, don’t keep dragging it up.

Always remember that this is the person you love and want to be with, don’t let them become the “problem.” They are always themselves and never an object, which is what we make them when we call them stupid, jerk, dumb, bonehead or belittle and demean them. Always, always treat them with the respect and dignity you want to be treated with.

Finally, just remember what Gandhi said, “If you want change, be that change.” Love your partner; serve your partner, giving of yourself. How do we love each other? Through service, little acts of caring and thoughtfulness. Just keep in mind that we like syrup on our waffles and that it takes a little effort to not spill and make a mess.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Guilt in Relationships

2008-11-15T09:57:00.000-08:00

Guilt in Relationships

Guilt is a useful emotion if it is used rather than wallowed in. Guilt gives us valuable information. Healthy guilt means either we have done something that we should not have done or we have not done something that we should have done. This type of guilt, if it is used to motivate us to apologize and or learn from our mistakes can help us improve our relationships.

There is another kind of guilt that people pile on themselves when they have either accepted unrealistic expectations from others or they have unrealistic expectations of themselves. This type of guilt is used to prove that they are useless, worthless or otherwise horrible as a person. This guilt leads to shame, which saps people’s power and sense of self, it does not lead to self-improvement, but rather to continued discouragement.

Shame says, not that you have done something bad or wrong that needs correcting, but that you are bad or defective and there is nothing you can do about it. Unlike healthy guilt, shame does not tend to improve relationships. Instead shame tends to erode relationships. There is a real tendency to try and pass on the shame, to blame and criticize others to deflect the feelings of inadequacy from oneself.

Protect yourself by refusing to accept the shame that other’s try to put on you and by refusing to shame your self. Comments like, “If you had half a brain . . .” “A good wife/husband would never . . .” can be met with a simple “Thank you, I will think about that.” This kind of comment should stop the shamer in his/her tracks. Whether comments are shaming or not depends on more than the words used, it depends on the body language and tone of voice. But we all know what shame feels like.

If you find yourself feeling guilt or shame, stop and consider, “Is there something that I did or did not do that I ought to feel bad about?” If the answer is yes, then the next question is, “What can I do to remedy the situation?” Then take action based on what comes to mind. If the answer to the first question is, “No” then you can stop beating yourself up for something that does not belong to you. In a sense you can figuratively give the shame back to whomever it belongs.

The serenity prayer: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Using Emotional Intelligence To Strengthen Your Relationships

2008-11-01T12:02:00.000-07:00

Using Emotional Intelligence To Strengthen Your Relationships

According to Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, there are five aspects of emotional intelligence.

• Self-Awareness or knowing your emotions
• Self-control or managing your emotions
• Self-direction or motivating yourself.
• Empathy or recognizing and understanding the emotions of others
• Interpersonal skills or managing relationships

To begin with we absolutely cannot be emotionally intelligent if we ignore, disregard, judge or stuff our emotions. Emotional intelligence involves welcoming, accepting, appreciating, and learning from our feelings. We understand that feelings are not good or bad, they are simply there to give us important information.

But accepting our feelings does not mean allowing them to overwhelm us. Emotional intelligence means finding ways to self-soothe and manage our emotions so that we are not overwhelmed and have our ability to reason high-jacked by our feelings.

Emotional intelligence means leaning to control our impulses and delay gratification so that we can motivate ourselves to move toward a goal. Self-motivation helps us over come doubt, fear and procrastination.

Being able to tune into the verbal and non-verbal cues that help us recognize feelings in others requires emotional intelligence. Empathy is a key-stone to healthy relationships.

Negotiation, conflict resolution and interpersonal skills are essential to emotional intelligence. The ability to get along well with others is a sign of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence may come easier to some than others, but it is something that we can learn and improve. Strengthening ourselves in these five areas; self-awareness, self-control, self-direction, empathy, and interpersonal skills; will help us become more successful in our relationships and in everything that we do. As we gain emotional intelligence our relationships become more stable, peaceful and harmonious. We will have less stress in our life because we are managing our self and our relationships well.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Who Says Life Has To Be Hard?

2008-10-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

Who Says Life Has To Be Hard?

Having a sense of humor and playfulness are vital to the health of any relationship. The ability to see the lighter side of life, helps us to cope with difficulties and keep things in perspective. In your relationship, how often do you smile? Does your smile reach all the way to your eyes?

If your relationship lacks joy, humor, laughing and play, then it is time for some serious reinventing. Some people mistakenly believe that laughing and play are childish. However, a healthy sense of humor is an important part of maturity. Play is not just for children, it can help us to relax, improve our brain functioning, get our creative juices flowing and just make life more fun.

Give yourself permission to have fun. Make a list of things that are fun for you. If you struggle trying to make this list and you are having trouble coming up with ideas of what you enjoy, it is all the more important that you pay attention to you. What is it that makes you smile? When do you feel the most relaxed and happy? Answering questions like these may give you clues to your own personal fun list.

Playing and laughing together helps couples connect and creates a sense of intimacy that will help them weather the inevitable bumps in the road. Perhaps the couple that plays together, stays together.

Many times in life we can see the humor in difficult situations months or years after they have happened. A valuable skill to learn is to find a way to lighten the mood in the moment. Don’t take yourself or life too seriously. SMILE. It can make all the difference.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Why You Need A Spine

2008-10-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

Why You Need A Spine

Having a spine means respecting and honoring yourself. When you have a spine you know what you stand for, or what values are important to you and you don’t compromise your values or give up your self in order to please or pacify others.

You need to develop a spine, because no one else can do it for you. Others may at times stand up for you, but that doesn’t give you a spine. This is an inside job.

Developing a spine allows you to guard your integrity and integrity is a major component of self-esteem. If your opinion or behavior changes as your surroundings change you will be left with little or no sense of self. It takes confidence to state your opinion and stand up for yourself. Confident, assertive people generally have high self-esteem. However, behaving like you are confident and assertive can boost your self-esteem.

Don’t confuse standing up for yourself with being aggressive and mistreating others. It is important to be courteous to others as you stand on your own two feet.

Take a stand based on principle not preference. When you respect yourself you also respect others. People are entitled to have their own thoughts, opinions, beliefs and values. Just because someone does not agree with you does not make him or her wrong. They are just different. Learn to accept and enjoy the differences.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Why Don't You Just Leave?

2008-09-26T12:54:00.000-07:00

Why Don't You Just Leave?

It seems a puzzle and so easy to judge from the outside looking in, why would someone stay in an abusive relationship?

Often abused women cannot see a way out. They know and understand that staying is dangerous and that there is a possibility they could end up dead. But they also feel that leaving is dangerous and that by leaving they could also end up dead. They feel trapped in a lose-lose situation.

There are four psychological stages that abused women go through:

1. Denial. She excuses her partner’s behavior and refuses to see that there is a problem. If she seeks medical attention, she will tell the health care workers that she was injured accidentally.

2. Shame. She sees and acknowledges that there is a problem, but she feels responsible for it. If only she could be more perfect, her partner wouldn’t have to hit her or treat her badly.

3. Clarity. She recognizes that no one deserves to be abused, even her. She stops blaming herself for her partner’s behavior. Although she is still hopeful that things will improve and is still committed to her relationship.

4. Accountability. She understands that the abuse cycle does not stop unless someone leaves or dies. She decides that she absolutely will not live this way and does what she needs to do to start a new life.

As friends, family and co-worker, remember that “Why don’t you just?” questions and “I would never” comments do not help. The reasons for staying are complicated and personal. Instead of questioning her sensibility; help her to build her confidence and self-esteem. Consider calling the police if you have the opportunity, rather than looking the other way, and then be there to offer support.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Differences? No Problem

2008-09-13T12:17:00.000-07:00

Differences? No Problem

As in any relationship, marriages are subject to differences in opinions, ideas, style and just about anything else that is not DNA based. These differences will happen, discussions will arise over them, even heated arguments, but they are inevitable. They can make or break your relationship. Which it is, make or break, is up to you.

As we have stated before in this forum, conflict is not a bad thing, it is how we deal with it that makes it bad or good. Do we dig in and fight to the bitter end with no one giving in or do we discuss the issues, negotiate and settle on a win win solution. Or at least, a “nobody loses” ending. Whichever one you do it is within your power to determine the outcome of conflict within your relationship.

Fighting fair is a skill that every person in a significant relationship needs to master. No name calling, no raising voices to a scream, sticking to the issue at hand, treating each other with dignity and respect, taking necessary time outs, listening with the intention of solving the problem, being flexible and open to ideas and solutions other then your own, trying to put yourself in the other’s shoes and above all remember who the other person is, the one you chose to love; these tactics of engagement more often than not lead to a stronger and happier marriage.

So how do you develop these skills? Most of us have the intelligence and social skills to do the actual discussions and negotiations. The most important part in all this is your frame of mind and the position of your heart. In the book The Anatomy of Peace the Arbinger Institute teaches “You cannot be the agent of peace until your heart is a heart of peace.” The first step to fighting fair is personal, internal and vitally important. Where is your heart?

When we get into serious disagreements and fights with others, including those we love, we have to be careful how we view the other person. Do we, in our anger stop seeing them as human beings, as people, as a person of equal worth? Do we make them less than human; do we make objects out of them? When you call your wife a “nagging crone” or your husband an “inconsiderate jerk” they stop being human and become the label, an object.

When we objectify another human being we stop considering anything they say, think or do to be of value. How can we seriously consider their opinions or solutions when we don’t see them as another being? So the heart of peace is essential to any disagreement you have. Always, always consider how you are regarding your spouse in an argument. Don’t let a heart of war enter in and destroy you and your relationship.

Being at peace means you consider the other’s ideas, opinions and solutions as valuable as your own. You see them, the person, as having just as much worth as you do. Your consideration is that they can be happy and at peace and you will do anything in your power to make that happen, except for compromising your principles.

Take care of each other, cherish each other, love each other, learn from each other and teach each other. Remember this is the person you fell in love with and the one who you think makes you happy. Live life to the fullest extent; be generous, enthusiastic, excited and happy. Life is too short for anything else.

“No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.” unknown

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

20 Essential Elements of a Healthy Relationship

2008-08-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

20 Essential Elements of a Healthy Relationship

1. Like and accept yourself and your partner. Acceptance is a powerful relationship strengthener.
2. Be honest with yourself and with each other. Broken trust, although not irreparable, does contribute a lot of relationship struggles.
3. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. As difficult as it may be to take down the walls, your relationship will be healthier when you allow yourself to be vulnerable. There is no intimacy without vulnerability.
4. Set you own boundaries and respect each other's personal boundaries. Just as good fences make good neighbors, healthy personal boundaries will strengthen your relationship.
5. Allow yourself to get in touch with and express a full range of emotions, including anger. Just remember when expressing anger to do so respectfully.
6. Recognize when you are feeling resentful and talk to your partner so that you can constructively deal with the issue. Be willing to admit your own weaknesses, be willing to apologize and admit when you are wrong.
7. Feel and express love, admiration and respect for your partner. Remember that loving feelings follow loving thoughts and actions more often than the other way around. Don’t wait to feeling loving to act loving.
8. Build your self-esteem. When you feel good about yourself, it will be so much easier to see what is good about your partner and your relationship. When you respect yourself, others will respect you also.
9. Regularly communicate from the depths of your soul. Heart to heart discussions should not end when courting ends, they should continue throughout your relationship.
10. Continually bond with your partner by spending time together, creating rituals and reminiscing. Daily rituals like a hug and kiss for good-bye and hello contribute to the richness of your relationship.
11. Play together. Continue having fun and laughing together. Don’t let the day-to-day grind push all the fun out of your life. Find ways to play and enjoy being together.
12. Have intensely emotional sex. These experiences will bond you together like nothing else can. Don’t settle for just routine sex all the time; find ways to really connect with each other before, during and after sex.
13. Be willing to address issues and negotiate solutions. Facing up to your problems in a mature way makes it possible to find ways to meet both of your needs.
14. Take responsibility for your own life and be supportive of your partner. You alone are responsible for your thoughts, feelings and actions.
15. Try new things together and on your own. This helps to add variety and interest to your life. Keep growing and learning as individuals and together.
16. Live in such a way that you make your relationship a great place to be. Be the kind of person that would have the kind of relationship you want
17. Be committed to your relationship and to each other. Commitment helps you to work together to weather the storms in your relationship. It is about how can we make this work, not should we get out.
18. Assume the best rather than the worst about your partner. Giving each other the benefit of the doubt can speed up the resolution of difficulties.
19. Choose to think win-win, rather than having to prove that you are right and your partner is wrong. Understand that everyone is entitled to his or her own opinions, thoughts and feelings.
20. Continually remind each other of your love. Let each other know through your words and actions that you do love each other.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Dream Relationship or Nightmare

2008-07-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

Dream Relationship or Nightmare

Have you created the relationship of your dreams or is your relationship a bit of a nightmare?

It may help to stop and consider what you have brought to your relationship in terms of expectation, attitudes and scripts. What was your parent’s marriage like? What about the relationships of other significant people in your life? Are those marriages examples of relationships that you would like to have? If not, then you may need to consciously choose and behave differently.

We are all influenced by the examples that we have seen in our lives. However, we are not predestined to create a marriage like that of our parents, but unless we consciously choose differently we are greatly affected by the scripts that we have learned over the years.

Often what feels “true” to us is not so much based on truth as it is based on our experiences and the beliefs that we have formed. What we expect from our partner, what we expect from our self and how we react in our relationship is determined to a great extend by these scripts from our younger years.

Your past can influence and even control your future if you let it. But you do not have to be run by the past, you can choose to live in the present and live for the future. But that means being willing to stop behaviors that are not working. It means finding new ways to approach old problems.

Change can be difficult. Sometimes people are just comfortable being miserable and change seems threatening, even if change may make things better. Better the hell you know than the one you don’t.

The great thing is that often the simple act of deciding that we must behave differently in our relationship will help us wake up to the destructive patterns we have been repeating. As we begin to “see” what we have been doing, we begin to have a choice to act, rather than just react as we always have.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage: 5 Steps to Creating What You Want

2008-07-09T10:52:00.000-07:00

Marriage: 5 Steps to Creating What You Want

Tommy Smothers of Smothers Brothers and Laugh-In fame, only for you baby boomers, said that the problem with not knowing what you are talking about and that is how to know when you’re finished. Or what about when you are driving some place you’ve never been before, do you know how to get there? How do you find out? Well if getting there in timely unstressed fashion is important to you will find a map, ask directions or otherwise get help. But all of that will not help unless you know where you want to go, you need to know where it is you want to be.

This is all true in a marriage relationship as well, doubly so. In a marriage you can stumble along going from crisis to crisis, from event to event and eventually wind up being married for fifty years or whatever number of years it is. The question you need ask yourself is; is that really what I want from my relationship, is this all there is to a marriage? If the answer is I want more from my marriage then you need to figure out a few things.

First, what is it you want from your marriage. Is it to be happy? Safe or contented? Whatever the answer is the second thing is ask yourself what does that look like to you, to your spouse. How would you define a happy marriage? What does being secure feel like to both of you? Third, talk to each other about these questions, make sure both of you are on the same page as to definitions of happiness, security or whatever it is you decide you want for yourselves.

This is really a crucial part of the process. If one of you is just saying “well, whatever you want is okay with me,” I can assure you, that this person’s needs will not be met and sooner or later there will be some resentment in him or her. Both parties need to discuss the issues and put in their thoughts, efforts and input because that is the only way they both will buy into the process. We’ve seen clients in our office saying, “I never really wanted kids, it was all just for her, I had no say in it.” Not only is this a total abdication of his responsibility but it also tells us that there was no real discussion or mutual decision about children and as a consequence resentment has set in.

The fourth step is to collect all of this data about every facet of your relationship in one spot, sort and then start negotiating where there are differences. This part of the process requires some maturity from both of you, don’t just stick to your position and say you are not going to move, be flexible. Look for places and ways to make adjustments to your expectations, needs and wants. Both of you, one can’t be always giving in because of the same as above, resentment.

This is not to say that there are not things about which you will not change or budge, but these types of things had better be about values and morals, not about wants and desires. Once you’ve come to a negotiated agreement the fifth step is to write it up as a statement of intention or a vision statement for your marriage. When you are writing it remember to be flexible and adaptable because as you grow as individuals and as a couple your expectations and wants will change as well, make room in you statement for that growth. Now you know where you are going it’s easier to find the right map, ask the right questions to get the help you need.

Remember the difference between a dream and a goal or vision is the written word.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Are We Falling Out of Love?

2008-07-09T10:43:00.000-07:00

Are We Falling Out of Love?

Many couples start to have doubts when the fur starts to fly. They start to wonder if they were “meant to be together” or if they ever loved each other. The reality is that every relationship goes through rough times. It is not the fact that you have disagreements or fights; it is the meaning that you attach to those experiences that decides whether it strengthens or breaks your relationship.

Unfortunately life has no rewind button and we cannot change what has already happened. What’s done is done. It is important to be clear about what you have the power to change and what is beyond your control. You can change the way your past affects you, but you can never change the events that have already happened. Giving up the dream of having a better past allows you to move forward to a better future.

There are things that we can learn even from the worst experiences of our life. What we do have the power to choose and control, is the meaning that we give to the things that happen to us. That is why two people can have the same experience and yet end up with totally different outcomes. One becomes bitter and miserable and the other chooses to love and enjoy life.

What meaning are you attaching to your experiences? What feelings do those meaning stir up in you? Do those thoughts and feelings lead you to be happy or miserable? If you had that choice would you rather be happy or miserable? The important thing for you to understand is the YOU DO HAVE THE CHOICE.

As human beings we have the amazing ability to manufacture happiness, even in the worst of circumstances. Christopher Reeve is one example of someone who chose to embrace and enjoy life regardless of circumstances.

It is not what happens to you that determines the outcome. It is the combination of what happens and the meaning you attach to it that determines the outcome. If you find yourself in love and hurting each other, it is time to take a step back and look at the choices you are making. Are your choices helping to get your needs met or are your choices getting in the way of the happiness that you want?

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Face Up to Relationship Problems

2008-06-06T12:54:00.000-07:00

Face Up to Relationship Problems

There are two ways to cope with any problem, you can ignore it or run from it; or you can face up to it. Ironically if you chose the first option, you may experience temporary relief, but you will end up worse in the long run; where if you choose to face up to the problem you will experience temporary pain and end up with relief.

Most people can understand this concept when it comes to their vehicle health. For example if your car is making strange clunking noises, you could ignore those signs to avoid taking it to a mechanic and the cost of repairs. Doing so may temporarily allow you to avoid spending money on your car, however the cost could be a break down on the freeway, a much more expensive repair or a car that is not repairable at all.

The same thing applies in your relationships. There may be signs or symptoms that are trying to get your attention. Just as with car problems, these problems will not go away simply because you ignore or run away from them. Distracting yourself with television, video games, computer, work, sports or whatever it is that you use to “get away” from you problems is only helping you get temporary relief and long-term grief.

One of the most important relationship tasks we have is to allow our experience to help us grow. We tend to fall into the trap of thinking that our partner needs to change to make our relationship better. However, far more important than confronting our partner about our relationship is confronting our self. We need to face up to our contribution to the present problems.

We need to stop running away from or avoiding frustrations in our relationship. Once we do that we can begin to take full responsibility for our self. We can ask ourselves, what do our frustrations have to teach us about our self? How can we begin to step up and be there for our self?

As long as we continue to blame our partner for the problems in our relationship, we make ourselves powerless to improve things. Taking 100% responsibility for our relationship allows us to go through the discomfort of standing up to our self and standing up for our self, so that our relationship can regain its health and strength.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Be Generous in Your Relationships

2008-05-29T11:59:00.000-07:00

Be Generous in Your Relationships

Begin each day with a question, “What can I do today to make my relationships better?” and then do something. Some small thing done each day, will cumulatively make a huge difference in your relationships.

Like the Rolling Stones song, Can’t Get No Satisfaction, the more we run around trying to satisfy ourselves the more elusive satisfaction becomes. Stopping the focus on “self” is the place to begin.

Compassion means feeling the feelings of others. Compassion means trying to understand how others are feeling—putting our self in their shoes. This can be difficult, if we are all wrapped up in “woe is me’s.” If we are focused in on our own hurt feelings or our own dissatisfaction, it can be hard to see past that to the fact that others may have hurt feelings and dissatisfactions of their own.

Why do we need to be more generous in our relationships? Because being generous is just plain more fun. Life is so much more fun and satisfaction much more attainable when we are generous, when we celebrate and enjoy, rather than whine and complain.

Use your generosity to create a hopeful vision for your relationships.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Tame the Emotional Monsters

2008-05-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

Tame the Emotional Monsters

Have you ever felt overwhelmed with anger, frustration, or guilt? Has the flood of emotion been so great that it has distorted your judgment and hampered your ability to behave appropriately? If you have ever been overtaken by emotional monsters, then you may appreciate knowing how to tame the beast.

The first important thing to remember is not to resist and not to act (just yet). It is important to welcome and accept your emotions, good and bad. See them as a way to learn about yourself. What are your emotions telling you? What can you discover about yourself? What are the needs behind your emotions?

Like small children, your emotions will keep pestering you until you pay attention to them. When you disregard or resist your emotions, telling yourself, I don’t want to or I shouldn’t feel this way, those feelings tend to intensify rather than fade. If you do manage to stuff them down for a while, they are going to pop up again, most likely at the worst time.

Jealousy, hostility, and pettiness are going to taint your relationships and make your life miserable. To avoid this you must tame these emotional monsters. Albert Einstein said, “Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?” Make friends with your emotions, be kind and accepting to them, but do not allow them to take you over.

Just as we should not let our friends control us; we do not allow our emotions to control us. Instead we listen to and learn from our emotions. As we do that, we will find the monster has turned into a choice friend.

Allow yourself to pause and fully accept and feel your emotions and then allow them to dissolve. You can then use what you learn about yourself to assertively meet your own needs. You can ACT rather than react.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.

Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-creator of a Healthy Weight Loss System.

Offers a free report: Weight Loss Myths Exposed

Relationship Course Corrections

2008-05-15T11:14:00.000-07:00

Relationship Course Corrections

Are your choices giving the results that you want? Take a look at your relationship. Are you on course? Is your relationship meeting your needs, it is meeting your partner’s needs? Does it feel good to you or are you struggling along?

In 1979, a sightseeing flight from New Zealand to Antarctica, with 257 passengers onboard ended in tragedy. Unknown to the pilots, there was a two-degree error in the flight coordinates. This small error put the plane 28 miles off course by the time they approached Antarctica. When they descended to a lower altitude to give the passengers a better view of the landscape they found themselves directly in the path of Mount Erebus.

Unfortunately many couples ignore small warning signs in their relationship, hoping that somehow the relationship will self-correct. This generally leads to disaster.

Couples that stay the course, that are satisfied in their relationship, have just as many obstacles and disagreements, but they make adjustments as they go, they learn from their experience together, they check in with one another, they express their thoughts and feelings, they forgive one another, and they don’t hang onto the garbage that would eventually weigh them down and cause them to crash.

The 1979 disaster could have been prevented had the navigational planners realized and corrected their error. Unfortunately is seems they made no attempts to check the flight plan co-ordinates against the geographical reality (the mountain in the flight path).

Unfortunately many people approach life with the attitude, I am right and don’t confuse me with the facts. They make little or no attempt to do a reality check in their relationship.

You need to get real in your relationship. It is important to understand that neither your nor your partner’s perceptions actually represent reality. They simply represent your interpretations of reality. When you make a serious attempt to also see things from your partner perspective, to really hear and understand how they are feeling and thinking, not to judge them or to prove that they are wrong, but to make a serious attempt to see things from their perspective, you will come closer to getting real. When you get real in your relationship you are in a better position to see and make needed corrections.

Don’t wait to make a course correction, until you crash into a mountain, don’t wait until your relationship is dead. Start making choices that will give you the results you want.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Relationships: Don't Do That

2008-05-15T09:43:00.000-07:00

Relationships: Don't Do That

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain." Maya Angelou

Frequently when receiving marriage counsel you are asked to do something. Maybe you are told to talk more about your feelings or to listen more empathetically to your spouse, or perhaps to set goals and create a vision. These are good and important activities in your relationship but there is something different that will be asked of you today. That is to refrain from doing something—to not do something that may be aggravating your relationship.

To begin you will need to do something, make a list of things in your relationship that would cause Dr. Phil to ask, “And how is that working for you?” This list can include little day-to-day irritants to your spouse or major trust and love issues. If you have been married for any length of time you will have a list already because these are the things your spouse brings up every time you get into a fight or have a disagreement. You know the “you always do that,” or “this happens every time,” and the ever present “you’ll never change.” Just fill in the blank.

Next, seriously consider which of these issues you can’t or won’t change. Saying that you are not willing to change something about yourself is okay. In fact it is essential to stand up for yourself, there are values and beliefs that you hold dear that make you, well, you. Becoming someone you are not for your spouse is a sure road to resentment, dislike, frustration and pain. It will in no way ever leads to happiness, not for you, not for your relationship and not for your spouse. So you must look at your list and decide which of the items are not open for discussion or change. You really have to be brutally honest with yourself here, make sure when you say you can’t change something it is not just because you don’t want to, or you are too lazy to. Be fair to yourself, your spouse and your relationship.

Now you should have a shortened list of things that you are willing to work on, to change or drop completely. The next step requires some hard thought, prioritize your list, use whatever parameters you choose. It could be from the most irritating to your spouse to the least, or maybe from the shortest time to change to the longest, perhaps from the easiest to the hardest. However you make the choice make sure it is your decision because it is best and easiest for you when you “buy into it.”

Now comes the different part, stop doing that particular thing. Make a decision to not do whatever it is that you have chosen not to do. Make a positive affirmation statement that you can repeat about the issue. An example of this could be: “I am happy, content and grateful for the changes dropping this (fill in the blank) has brought into my life, into the life of my spouse, and into our relationship.” Repeat this to yourself several times a day, with conviction and with positive emotion.

It is equally important to realize that you will have slip-ups and that it is not the end of the world, cut yourself some slack, don’t beat yourself up over it. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and begin again. It helps to determine some time frames so that you can celebrate the times when you succeed. Finally work your way through the list. Don’t get impatient, be happy with your attempts and keep trying.

“Many aspire to change the world but few realize that everyone accomplishes that goal. Each day you live you are changing something. Rather than simply changing the world, one should aspire to make a positive change with each action they commit.” unknown

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Hidden Dimensions of Relationships

2008-04-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

Hidden Dimensions of Relationships

What can we learn about relationships from physics?
The super string theory has proposed that inside of the tiny quarks that are inside protons and neutrons are vibrating strings, minuscule filaments vibrating at different frequencies. This theory supports the idea that there are more dimensions of space than the three of which we are aware. A fascinating theory that may help explain why the universe operates the way it does.

I started wondering if this idea of unseen dimensions might also be applied to relationships. In any relationship there is the outward behavior of each partner and the words they speak. This dimension is visible to both partners. Then there is the dimension of each person’s thoughts, which though not visible, but both partner know exists. The next dimension is the beliefs held by each partner. These beliefs may not always be within the awareness of either partner, but they can be uncovered with a little effort. And inside is the vibrating energy of the subconscious.

Subconscious, just like the vibrating filaments in super string theory, is not something that we can see, but non-the-less it helps explain why people operate the way that they do.

Your beliefs whether you are aware of them or not, to a great extent determine your thoughts, words and behavior. Everything that you see, hear and know about your relationship is filtered through your belief dimension.

When your partner’s behavior does not make any sense to you, it is because you are trying to understand their behavior while looking through your belief dimension. In order to begin to understand their behavior you need to step out of your self, in a sense, and attempt to see through their belief dimension. What some have termed, walk a mile in their shoes, or see things from their perspective.

This is not something that we can ever totally do, but we can get much better at making an effort to see things from our partner’s perspective.

You could try reversing roles in your head. Become your partner in your head, not to prove that you could handle things better than they do or that you would make different or better choices, but to pause and think what would it be like to be on the receiving end of your behavior. How would it feel to be treated the way you treat your partner, if you were your partner? If your answer is an automatic “great” then it may be possible that you are still seeing things from your own perspective rather than theirs.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage: Now Is the Time

2008-04-15T09:36:00.000-07:00

Marriage: Now Is the Time

In today’s fast paced world we quite often forget to take care of ourselves, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. All three of these areas have a huge impact on our relationships with our spouse. The tried and true answer to resolving these issues is time.

Time can be our friend or our enemy. If we ignore the passage of time thinking that we’ll get to those issues later we will find that later, like tomorrow, never comes. Our health, physical, emotional, and spiritual health needs to be a priority. If we think about the time we spend preparing for a career and in performing in that career we can be astounded by how much effort we put into it.

Now just think about your physical health. How much time and effort do you put into that? For some of us health issues have made us more conscious of what is needed to stay fit but just look at the national averages for overweight and obese people. The figures are shocking. And even more shocking are the rates of divorce in our society today. These are proof of the fact that we let our spiritual and emotional health issues run unchecked and unattended.

Time is the answer. This is a fact, it takes time to become emotionally ill in your relationship and it will take time and effort to heal those relationships. Again it is a matter of setting priorities. Ask yourself why it is you work so hard at your job, for a great many it is to support their family. Yet if they are not working just as hard at making their families strong and healthy then all the monetary wealth will have no impact at all except to create bigger problems in the divorce.

The time needed does not have to come in big bunches, in fact in the big picture the little bits of time spent on a consistent basis are more effective than the big chunks all at once. Little things like saying good-bye before you go and giving an approximate time when you will be back. And if you can’t make that then the little time spent in making a call to say you’ll be late. A brief moment spent daily in hugging and saying I love you reaps rewards for a long time after.

Time scheduled for each other as “our time” is wonderful relationship medicine. This is a time when each of your know that you have the others undivided attention to discuss daily problems, situations and schedules. To talk about plans for future dates and holidays. To tell each other about your day, week, month, year and life. Discuss the things that are bothering you, things that make you happy, things that are going wonderfully and things that are not. Let each other know about your hopes and fears, about your dreams for the future and each other.

Time means caring when shopping for a gift or making a surprise date for each other. Time spend in taking care of your share and more of the household chores can say so much more about how much you love and care for each other than your words. All of these require little amounts of your time but large amounts of your heart and thoughts and this tells the other that you do care.

The time for doing these things is all the time, right now, in fact, you should have started during courtship. If there have been lapses in these types of behaviors and some emotional spam has intruded into your relationship then the time to rectify it is now, immediately. But know this that it will take almost as much, if not even more, time to fix the issue as it did to create it.

A hero is not one who does the major thing once in a long time; a hero goes about daily doing the little things that make everything run smoothly.

It’s your time so use it wisely.

Dallas Munkholm, B.A., B.Com., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Marriage: Wake Up from the Trance

2008-04-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

Marriage: Wake Up from the Trance

Have you ever felt that you were just going through the motions in your relationship? The days pass, you get up, you do the same things, you have the same conversations, you have the same arguments. Maybe you have begun to feel that you are two ships passing in the night. There is so much to get done and so much going on that you have lost track of the “us.” You may be in kind of a “marriage trance” where you are going through the motions of being married, but you have lost the concern and closeness that you once felt for each other.

A Princeton Theological Seminary did a study on compassion. A group of Divinity Students, were given an assignment to prepare a sermon. Half of the students were assigned to prepare a sermon on the topic of the Good Samaritan, the man who stopped to help another man in need at the side of the road, and half were assigned other sermon topics. Then the students were told they had to go to another building to present their sermon. Some of the students were told that they had to rush to be on time to present their sermon and others were told that they had plenty of time. As they went to the building to present their sermon they each passed a man who was bent over and moaning.

Interestingly they found that whether the student stopped to help the man had little to do with their sermon topic. Their decision to stop and help was more related to how much of a hurry they were in—how much they were focused on what they were doing rather than on what was going on around them.

Each of us is hard wired to be able to empathize with other people. We are able to feel their pain. So why is it that partners fail to empathize with each other? Perhaps it is because they are so absorbed in their own thoughts, their own feelings and their own busyness that they do not actually “see” their partner.

They may make assumptions about what their partner is or should be feeling. When their partner tries to talk to them, they are so busy defending their position that they do not really hear what their partner is saying. They are so focused on their own hurt or their own “rightness” that they are unable to “get” what their partner is saying.

It is important to wake up and allow yourselves space and time to notice each other and to notice what life is like from the other’s perspective. Take time to really focus on your partner and be open to hearing and accepting their thoughts and feelings.

We have found in our counseling practice that once partners can really listen to and understand each other, they begin to empathize and problems become much more solvable. There is an “aha” moment when you suddenly see your own behavior as if through the eyes of your partner. In other words you can begin to understand how what you are doing feels to them. Waking from your marriage trance can transform your relationship.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Healing Your Relationships With Your Parents

2008-03-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

Healing Your Relationships With Your Parents

If you had a perfect childhood, you may not feel that you need to heal your relationship with your parents. But since most of us grew up in less than perfect some healing may be welcome.

What is the thing that you have tried for years to get from your mother or from your father? Is it approval, unconditional love, or acceptance?

If you are now an adult, I would like to extend a challenge to take hold of yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself that your parents have been or are unable to give you what you want and need. As long as you remain where you are, waiting for them to change so that you can be happy, you will continue to experience disappointment and frustration.

If on the other hand you want to take charge of your life and heal your relationship with your parents then I have some suggestions that might help:

First of all know that there are times and cases where the healthiest thing that you can do for yourself is to avoid or minimize contact with your parents. If there is or was abuse and the abuser refuses to accept responsibility, you may need to limit contact. You have the right to protect yourself, without guilt.

Also know that what you need and want from your mother or father may not be within their power to give you. They may not know how to love unconditionally or how to show approval. They may not have received these in their own childhoods.

Know that you are the one who wants things to improve and that the only person you can change is you. Accept that you have the ability to begin to heal your relationships. Begin by healing your relationship with you. You can choose to give yourself approval, unconditional love and acceptance.

Know that you can begin to heal your relationship with your parents by offering them what it is that you need and want from them. Become your own grandparent. If you have been seeking approval for years, give your parents approval. If you feel you have been missing unconditional acceptance, give that to your parents.

It may be a little awkward at first since these are probably not things that they are used to hearing or receiving—if they were used to being treated this way you would already be getting it from them. But if you persist there is a good possibility that some of what you are giving to them will start coming back to you. As they start to feel loved and accepted they will be more able to share that with others.

Even if they never change, you will benefit from becoming an adult with your parents. You will feel more empowered and sure of yourself.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine